One Miracle Needed

I'm moving......

2007-12-06T22:16:00.000Z

I've been inspired (you know who you are!) to have a change of scenery.....so it's bye bye blogger hello wordpress.

I can't get the hyperlink to work, so here's the address:

www.onemiracleneeded.wordpress.com

Day 1 Fertilisation Report

2007-12-06T10:20:00.002Z

First of all congrats to Tracey, Chicklet & Amy who also got through the egg collection stress yesterday.

Just got a call from the embryologist, of the 6 that were mature, 6 have fertilised with ICSI. That's 100% again...my Other Half's dodgy love potion has stepped up to the plate yet again.

Now before you all get hyper, here's how things have gone previously:

IVF #1 - 2 eggs ICSI'd - 2 fertilised - 1 surviving embryo on Day 3
IVF #2 - 5 eggs ICSI'd - 5 fertilised - 2 surviving embryos on Day 3

So whilst I am thrilled all 6 have fertilised, and couldn't ask for more, I am realistic enough to know it doesn't mean we are going to be spoilt for choice, but miracles can happen...can't they?

'It must come true, sometime soon somehow'

Christmas Songs

2007-12-05T15:59:00.000Z

We started getting in the Christmas mood this week and put our Christmas CD's in the car stereo. When we arrived at the hospital this morning, one of my favourite songs was playing and I couldn't help but listen to the words. It's by Johnny Mathis and is called 'When a Child is Born'. The optimistic part of me thinks that it's a omen that it was playing just as we arrived at the hospital.

The lyrics are so appropriate:

A ray of hope flickers in the sky
A tiny star lights up way up high
All across the land, dawns a brand new morn
This comes to pass when a child is born

A silent wish sails the seven seas
The winds of change whisper in the trees
And the walls of doubt crumble, tossed and torn
This comes to pass when a child is born

A rosy hue settles all around
You've got the feel you're on solid ground
For a spell or two, no-one seems forlorn
This comes to pass when a child is born

And all of this happens because the world is waiting,
Waiting for one child
Black, white, yellow, no-one knows
But a child that will grow up and turn tears to laughter,
Hate to love, war to peace and everyone to everyone's neighbour
And misery and suffering will be words to be forgotten, forever

It's all a dream, an illusion now
It must come true, sometime soon somehow
All across the land, dawns a brand new morn
This comes to pass when a child is born

----------------------------------

There's a part of the song that I can't get out of my head...it's the line 'It must come true, sometime soon somehow'. Oh I hope so.....for all of us battling down this road.

So, here's the update I know you are waiting for....7 eggs, 6 have been injected, 1 was an empty zona. Fertilisation call tomorrow morning.

Thanks for all the well wishes.

'It must come true, sometime soon somehow'

Nothing else to do

2007-12-03T19:38:00.000Z

Had my Day 11 scan on Saturday, in which they 'lost' 2 follicles but I just put it down to a different nurse doing the scan. Day 13 scan today in which the mystery 2 turned up, but I am feeling like my initial optimism is disappearing.

There was I after the Day 8 scan thinking I was heading for a bigger crop than the 6 eggs last time but today's measurements have me a little worried me that I might not even make 6 eggs. Here are the stats:

R - 23 x 18
R - 12 x 8
R - 10 X 9
L - 24 x 18
L - 22 x 16
L - 23 x 12
L - 19 x 15
L - 19 x 12
L - 15 x 15
L - 15 x 14
L - 14 x 8
L - 13 x 10
L - 10 x 10
L - 8

You probably know this but they take the average of the 2 figures to get the size, so I am concerned that there will be a batch of them that won't be big enough (I believe 18mm is mature).

Well, there's nothing I can do, I've done my trigger shot and I am in hospital on Wednesday, let's hope I have a nice surprise.

As you were

2007-11-28T19:08:00.000Z

Day 8 scan today, I was so nervous. My Other Half just couldn't juggle his work commitments to be there, so my fabulous friend J came along. She had her instructions to write down the measurements of the follicles when the nurse read them out. Well, I had to be optimistic that there would be follicles to measure.

Turns out, things were ok. In fact very similar to my Day 8 scan on #2. My lining was better, 6.5 this time (so 13 as they are measured in halves). The only strange thing was my right ovary is just not interested, only 2 follicles this time. Anyway here are the stats:

L - 14 x11
L - 12 x 12
L - 12 x 12
L - 12 x 11
L - 11 x 11
L - 11 x 10
L - 11 x 9
L - 10 x 8
L - 8 x 8
L - 7 x 4
R - 12 x 11
R - 5

In fact, I think I am being a bit cautious but I have a feeling that it's slightly better than last time, perhaps you can let me know what you think? I would be happy with 6 eggs, like last time...anything more I would be over the moon.

So back on Saturday for the next scan, and retrieval either next Tues or Weds.

Hurdle 1 over.

Get ahead

2007-11-21T15:44:00.000Z

Decided to treat myself.....look what I got.......

In case you are not sure what it is...it's a hat. What's so exciting about a hat you say? people buy them all the time.....but no not me. I seem to have been born with the biggest head in the world, when a hat says 'One Size Fits All' it's a breach of trading standards cause it never fits me. In fact, I am going to start a campaign for labels to be changed to say 'One Size Fits All (if you are normal and not called Becks). Every hat I try on, I huff and puff when it just perches on top and I sulk and put it back. But not today, I have a brown corduroy hat and I am so happy!! In fact I was so happy these lovely winter socks jumped in my basket too.

Oh and not even the eye ulcer which has made me look like elephant man can get me down, nor is the fact that I have to reapply for my job due to a restructure.....I've got my hat!!

P.S Happy Thanksgiving for tomorrow to all of you from the other side of the pond.

Rested and ready to go

2007-11-20T13:18:00.000Z

We're back....we've been to a sunny Spanish island for the last 2 weeks and arrived back to the snow early yesterday morning. In fact, we nearly had to divert as the airport was closed due to the bad weather, but it re-opened just in time for touch down.

We had a great time, I can honestly say we didn't do a lot. Read lots of books, had lots of rest and enjoyed a few vinos during the warm Spanish nights. I had some weird dreams though, I am putting it down to the down reg drugs. I had a really strange one about a lawyer that I work with who worked out that there was a pattern to everything that was growing (trees, plants etc), everything was growing in 3's therefore they knew from previous studies that this meant that the world was going to end. Strange. I accidentally sat at table 3 the next morning then the flight number home had 3's in it....needless to say all is fine and it was just my mind playing tricks on me. Oh, and had another about a horse called Janey that I kept in my house....not as scary but equally weird.

My Other Half's Mum Dad, Sister and Brother in Law joined us for the last 5 days and we had a lot of fun, in fact one night we were a bit tiddly and ended up swapping our tops for t-shirts we were given......in the middle of a restaurant...the things you do when you are on holiday.

Wedding update - the invites went out before we went away and we have come back to a few replies.....exciting. Up to now, everyone has accepted, but we've still a way to go before we get all of them back.

Went to the hospital today for my baseline scan, all is well. There were more antral follicles than last time (6 and now 9), so I know they are not great numbers but we're continuing to go in the right direction. Stims start tomorrow night and retrieval is due on the 5th Dec....only 15 days away if all goes to plan.

Third time lucky? I hope so.

3 months today

2007-11-01T20:19:00.000Z

Honey,

3 months today will be our wedding day. At this time of the day I will be your wife, we will have stood in front of family and friends and told them how much we love each other. We will have heard the speeches, eaten the food, raised our champagne glasses and had our first dance.

I can't wait to be your wife. We have come such a long way, we've had some massive highs and heartbreaking lows but through it all we still loved each other. We made it, despite everything.

Whatever life throws at us, we can do it together. We can wipe away each others tears and laugh with each other when life is good to us.

Thank you for loving me and being willing to embark on the hardest journey of all. One day I hope we have a little bit of me and a little bit of you to love with all our hearts.

Until then, we have each other - I love you.

I'll never ask for anything ever again

2007-10-30T11:45:00.000Z

Dear Santa,

I know I haven't written to you for many many years but I have a very special request that I am hoping you can help me with.

I am trying to be a Mum and I started my 3rd IVF attempt last night. I felt a little sad when I went to do the injections, I suppose a little battle weary would sum it up. This is much more difficult that I ever thought it would be and so I think I need a little magic from you.

I went to the hospital on Friday and they said my egg collection date would be around the 5th Dec, so it seems it will be over by the 20th Dec.

Do you think you and Rudolph could drop by a few days early and give me the best Christmas present ever?

I realise this is a lot to ask as you are a busy man but I really hope you can help me make it 3rd time lucky.

Lots of love

Becks (aged 35 years 9 months)

Winners and losers

2007-10-22T18:42:00.000Z

Had a good weekend all in all. We went out with some close friends to the dog races on Saturday night, us girls did feel sorry for the poor things, but we had a good time picking the one's with the cute names and our favourite colours. I got the knack of it and backed 4 winners, but alas still came home with lighter pockets than when I went out.

I also went out running twice, which I really enjoyed...its a shame that I have to give up soon, as I can slowly see myself improving.

We did some shopping yesterday, the plan was to get my other half some new shoes for the wedding, which we achieved with relative ease. We made use of the extra free time and bought a couple of Christmas presents.

I decided to go into one of the large out of town mother and baby stores to get my godson a present. Places like this don't normally bother me, I just try to get in and out with minimal fuss. It seemed it slipped the store managers mind to clear the place of people for me, in fact I think they made sure it was absolutely heaving. I couldn't concentrate on what I was looking for....the noise from children and babies was very distracting. By the time I had chosen him a very cool gift, I was relieved to be getting in the queue to pay....except they like to prolong my agony....the queue was massive. The waiting was torture, everywhere I looked there were swollen bellies and tiny babies in carriers, it took all my effort to blink away the tears. The couple in front of me were buying a job lot....baby bath, nappies, food, changing mat, equipment for rock climbing (or so it seemed).

At last I made it to the front to pay, I felt a weight had been lifted...any time now I could get out. The assistant scanned my purchases, then smiled at me and said "could I possibly interest you in a store account?" I nearly ripped her limb from limb, instead I politely declined and staggered outside with an insane grin on my face.

There's a lot to be said for internet shopping!

About time....

2007-10-15T10:57:00.000Z

......I posted an update.

Things have been really hectic, mainly with the weddings plans, my sister and I are wondering what on earth we'll do when it is over. I am itching to share some of the details with you, but too many people who will be there on the day read this, so I'll just have to promise to bore you with the photos afterwards.

I've also been doing a bit of exercise, I've been running for the last couple of weeks. I got stuck in the downward spiral of wanting to lose weight for the wedding but knowing I shouldn't really exercise because of trying to have a baby. Well, I decided that I wasn't going to have everything denied so I got my trainers on and hit the road. I've really enjoyed it, and the feeling of being back in control certainly helps. I will stop exercising when IVF # 3 comes around.

Talking of IVF #3......we're ready to go again. We decided to try again before Christmas, then if it doesn't work we'll wait till after the honeymoon. So, I start down regulating on October 29th...it has come round really quickly. Starting again fills me with dread, I hit a massive low after the last failure and it took me a while to get back to my old self and it scares me to think I might have to go there again. Still, no pain, no gain...but please let the gain come sometime.

I had a stressful incident at work last week. One of my colleagues said she had some gossip for me, then later showed me her blackberry which had a email announcing that one of our colleagues wives was pregnant. What's wrong with that you might say? Well she knew we had a failed IVF and it just felt insensitive. After a moan about it to my other half, I put it out of my mind as I thought that it was just clumsy. When I arrived in work the next day, she had forwarded the email to everyone, including me, she named it 'Nappy News'. Did she think I would have forgotten about it overnight? I was mad, so I sent her a (what I think was a subtle) response saying "If only it was that easy". I thought it might just remind her of what I had been through. What did I get back? Nothing. Well at least I felt better for saying something.

We're also going on holiday in 3 weeks, we're going to a spanish island for a 2 week break. The 2nd week, my other half's family are joining us, so I am really excited about that. I am just looking forward to a bit of sun (as it hasn't been sunny in England for 345 years...well it seems like it!) and a nice rest. It'll make the down regulating fly by as I'll probably start stims the day I come back.

I think that's about it for now, I am still around, reading from the sidelines, I'll be back in full flow soon to share the ups and downs of 3rd time lucky.

P.S can't believe its 6 months tomorrow since I had a cup of coffee!! oops got that wrong....its not 6 months just yet!

Yep, still here.....

2007-09-24T17:32:00.000Z

It's been a while since I posted so thought I would update on how things are going.

I'm feeling much better, I think the daily crying stopped about a week and a half ago. I have started to think about other things and get a bit of my life back to normal.

I have kept myself busy with plans for our wedding. I have sorted the wedding cars, the flowers, the DVD man, the cake, so with everything else I had previously done, we are nearly ready to roll. I've started feeling excited about the day which I thought I might struggle. At first I couldn't get it out of my head that we were going ahead with the wedding because we failed at IVF #1 and #2, its hard to think of your wedding as second best but that's what I felt about it. I am in a much better place now and really can't wait till the big day. Oh, and we've booked our honeymoon....we're going to New Zealand for 3 and a half weeks, I'm so excited.

I also saw Mr A just over a week ago, to summarise this is the letter he sent me after the appointment:

Dear Becks,

It was a great pleasure to see you in my clinic today. You came through on 6 ampoules of Menopur and did really well. We got 6 eggs of which 5 were mature and injected and all 5 fertilised. 3 divided and 2 good quality embryos were transferred. The pregnancy test was initially faintly positive, but then turned negative. This is obviously a much better treatment cycle and I was encouraged by it and would now give you a 5 to 10 % chance per treatment cycle (previously 5%).....

So, he was happy with how things went and we have decided to try again as soon as possible, which hopefully means we can squeeze IVF #3 in before Christmas.

I also had the great pleasure of meeting up with Portia P (Desperate to Multiply) the other week. I had this idea in my head of what she was like......'an american blonde' and guess what? she's a gorgeous english brunette!! It was great to meet up and it was the first time I had met anyone that understood what it was like to walk in these uncomfortable shoes.....I could have talked all day.

Finally, a massive congratulations to Erin and Leah. I am so thrilled for you girls and I hope that the DHEA was the magic ingredient!

Still waiting for life to start

2007-09-09T15:57:00.000Z

The very unwelcome visitor in red turned up today. At least my 5 extra days on death row was cut short. I won't need to go the hospital tomorrow, so again I am spared the extra agony.

I am upset that it didn't work, but I am trying to find the positives in this cycle. I think 'something right' happened and although neither sausage or mash made it, I do feel we have made some progress from last time.

Life seems a bit empty at the moment and I can't get interested in anything, I am going to see Mr A on Thursday to see where we go from here, the strange things is, I'm not even interested in that at the moment. I know it will pass...it will just take some time.

Thanks for all the support.....whether you are waiting, hoping, crying or celebrating, I wish you well.

She said what?!*

2007-09-05T15:05:00.000Z

I joined a newly formed club today, it's called the 'Maybe Pregnant Club'. Yes, you read it right, I might be pregnant......what?!!!*

How can anyone be 'Maybe Pregnant'? You either are or your not. To me it's a bit like being alive, you either are or your not.

But it seems I have been awkward yet again and got them scratching their heads at the hospital. The test was inconclusive. They do a more sophisticated version of the pee stick test (no blood tests at my clinic) and there was a really really really faint line. I nearly fell of my chair, I couldn't say much as I was so aware of the aroma I was giving off from the over consumption of wine last night....oops.

She said something was going on as it wouldn't be the trigger shot still in my system and it would either carry on and be ok or would fade away. Apparently 50% of people go on to have a scan from this type of result, I'll take those odds thank you, considering my consultant said we had a 5% chance of IVF working for us.

I asked to keep the test, so I could show you all. By the time I got home, the test line seemed darker. It might not be easy to see but what do you think?

So, the rollercoaster continues and I go back on Monday for a repeat test. If anyone is looking for me over the next 5 days tell please them they'll find me camped in the toilet, overdosing on pregnancy tests, looking for my 'Maybe Baby'.

And The World Came Crashing Down

2007-09-04T10:26:00.000Z

I did a HPT test this morning....negative.

The Day After Tomorrow

2007-09-03T09:03:00.000Z

I feel much better now (9dp3dt). I still don't feel like this has worked but I feel like I am coming out of the tunnel and whichever way the road leads I am glad it is coming to an end. Just like IVF #1, I will be glad to have my life back, even if I have to face the heartache of another failure.

I had period pains on and off all day last Thursday (5dp3dt). I know that this probably means nothing, but in a way I was pleased something seemed to be happening. To put it into perspective, here's my current thinking:

no symptoms can mean a positive
symptoms can mean a positive
no symptoms can mean a negative
symptoms can mean a negative.

So it's a lottery as we all know.

The good news is that I will know in 48 hours. In 48 hours my world may come crashing down, in 48 hours I could be the happiest girl in the world.....which will it be?

P.S Little old me got another Rockin' Giril Blogger nomination today....yippeeee. Ahh, the world is not all that bad.

4dp3dt

2007-08-29T11:19:00.000Z

I'm struggling today, let me explain why.

My IVF #1 2ww produced no symptoms, no cramps, no spotting, nothing that made me think it had worked. As you know it didn't work.

I am now 4 days post transfer (7 days post retrieval) and I am feeling exactly the same as last time. So my logic says it's not working.

I know that it is early, but I can't help this sinking feeling that has come over me today. There's so much at stake and it's all or nothing. IVF #2 proved we have an egg issue, I'm never going to spit out loads of eggs, so this is always going to difficult for us.

How do I get out of this state of mind?

3dp3dt

2007-08-28T15:13:00.000Z

Nothing much to report here, have had a bit of tummy ache, twinges but nothing to hang my hat on. This whole thing is so messed up I am wishing for stomach cramps...how mad is that?

A quiet first day back at work after the long weekend, I have taken it relatively easy but boy does that make the time go slowly. I got a call today from a company who I contacted a few months ago about wedding cars, he was quizzing me about whether I had booked anyone for the wedding, I said no but we would get round to it sometime soon. I bet he has never spoken to such a vague bride to be before, I just hope I can call him in a week or so and tell him the wedding is postponed. The scary thing is I am going to know a week today whether I am pregnant, my clinic is more like a 10 day wait rather than 2 week wait, so before too long I am going to have my answer........SCARED!!!

On a separate note, I was over the moon today...why? because Sticky Bun nominated me as a rockin' girl blogger.

I think she got the wrong person because she said:

Becks is a thoughtful and honest writer, a world traveler, and the person who helped me really stop drinking coffee by being SO DAMN GOOD and giving it up cold turkey. I always enjoy her posts and am wishing with all my might that her little sausage and mash grab hold tight for a nice, long 9 month trip!

Thanks Sticky - you absolutely made my day!

Ok so I my turn to nominate now, this was not easy as there are so many to chose but these are people I really relate to in one way or another:

Twisted Ovaries - the first blog I ever came across and the reason I started mine. Despite being a fiercely private person, Vanessa writes with such openness, honesty and the magic ingredient, humour. Its like the blog version of a reality show, you just can't wait for the next installment. Now reaching the end of her pregnancy with the Lemonheads, I wish her loads of luck...hope we get to meet up one day.

Desperate to Multiply - I can really relate to Portia, we share similar 'obstacles' in our baby making journeys. I'm proud of the way she has dealt with her recent setback and admire her determination to reach the end goal. On top of that her culinary masterpieces are just mouthwatering to read about. We're hopefully meeting in London soon and I can't wait.

SingleTracey - What can I say about Tracey ? This whole IVF business is tough enough with a partner by your side but Tracey is doing this single handedly (Becks bows down in admiration). I love reading about her social life with her sister and family and I do hope her next round of IVF brings her success she deserves.

Ultimate Journey - What a roller coaster the last 6 months have been. The lows, which were very rough and now the highs and I am thrilled for her. She says exactly how she feels, good or bad and that makes her blog so interesting. I am so looking forward to reading about the very happy days ahead.

Precious Little- Carrie has had a heart breaking time recently and I want her to know how much she is thought of. Her posts are from the heart and I hope she finds the strength to carry on at some point in the future.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's all for now, I'm off to concentrate on getting stomach cramps.

Update: Sunny Jenny has just nominated me too - this is just TOO much...sniff. Gwyneth Paltrow has nothing on me! Oh and Portia thinks I rock too.

2dp3dt

2007-08-27T09:52:00.000Z

The good thing about this weekend is it is a long one in the UK. Today is a Bank Holiday so we are all off work. I don't think I could have timed this cycle better, but as I had no control over it whatsoever, I won't take any credit.

I was thinking about Sausage and Mash and the fact that they are now at day 5. So if my limited embryo knowledge is correct, they could be making it to blastocyst stage today. I guess that means they need to grab a hold of some of my insides pretty soon if they want to take the 9 month ride? Does anyone know more about when implantation should happen?

I've spent the last 2 days mainly on my ar*e on the sofa, my Other Half has really looked after me. It's another day of the same today and then (hopefully) a quiet, short, week at work. I work from home so at least I can take it easy when I want to.

I am trying to be positive about Sausage and Mash.....I am hoping they are snuggling down for the long haul as I type.

And now we wait......

2007-08-26T08:16:00.000Z

Transfer day yesterday. Despite the first session of acupuncture, I went to the hospital with my stomach in knots. It's a horrible situation, you really don't know what you are facing, would I still have 3 embryos? could I have lost them all because they wanted to wait till day 3? The scenarios were endless and agonising.

Well, 1 of them didn't carry on dividing but the other 2 were fine. We had a Grade 2 (4 cell) and a Grade 2/3 (6 cell) - the Grade 2/3 had obviously put a spurt on as it was a 2 cell the day before. I asked the embryologist about the Grade 2 as I thought it should have been a 6 cell by day 3, but she said they were both in the 'normal' range and was happy with them. Apparently, they can divide too quickly as well....I should have expected that there was never an easy answer to all of this.

Mr A was there in his jeans and t-shirt..he just makes you smile when you see him, he's such a nice man. He didn't do my transfer last time as he was away and I just made it this time as he's flying out to Sweden on holiday today. Anyway, he said transfer went really well, in fact he said it was so easy "I could come again"......please forgive me if I decline your kind offer!

I've named the 2 passengers on board.....sausage and mash. Nothing more creative than nurse Gill called one of my large follicles a "sausage", and I do love sausage and mash!

We've done all we can now, we can only just sit and hope.

Fertilisation Report Number 2

2007-08-24T09:53:00.000Z

Next update....3 out of the 5 divided. Good? Bad? Not sure but I do feel a little deflated. There is 1 Grade 2 and 2 Grade 2/3, so we won't be able to freeze anything as they wont freeze anything less than a Grade 1.

So now it's the tense wait of whether they survive another night. I just want 2 of them on board instead of them being in the laboratory.

My transfer is at 10.15 a.m tomorrow morning, so I'm meeting my acupuncturist there at 9.15 to have a session before and after transfer. Let's hope it does the trick.

Can someone give me any positives to cling onto??

Fertilisation Report

2007-08-23T14:49:00.000Z

Thankfully the embryologist called me at 9.30 a.m so I didnt have time to rip the heads off inncoent people who should have somehow known I was waiting for a life or death call (well in my book anyway).

Anyway of the 6 eggs, 1 wasn't suitable, but the other 5 fertilised! I am pleased to say the least. I know there's still so far to go but we have more than a 100% improvement on last time, which gave us 2 fertilised at this point. My clinic does a day 2 transfer for low numbers of fertilised eggs but if there's more to play with they leave them till day 3. So today we have graduated to the day 3 club...how grown up do I feel?

They will call me again tomorow and let me know how they have progressed. Last time one didnt make it overnight so I am realistic enough to know that they might not all make it but I am hoping that we might have at least 2 for transfer on Saturday.

Ohhh it's all stomach churning stuff...

So so.....

2007-08-22T17:49:00.000Z

Retrieval day today, it was quite different than last time, I was in the proper operating theatre rather than the room in the fertility part of the hospital. When I got back to my room they hadn't called my Other Half to 'do his stuff' and that stressed me out as he went off at the same time as me last time. Well that got sorted when he went to ask what was going on.

So the outcome was 6 eggs. If I am honest I'm a bit disappointed. I suppose I should think that a 50% improvement on last time is good, but my thoughts are that there are bound to be some that can't be used, like last time, so there's not much to play with. Mr A also told my Other Half that it was difficult to get the eggs out so I started worrying that they might have been damaged. I didn't see him after collection, or else I would have had him pinned to the wall asking a million questions, so I sent him a text a few hours later to ask about the difficulties, he replied saying there was nothing to worry about.

I got home a few hours ago and have spent the afternoon drifting in and out of sleep, I feel ok, I guess I would say I am a just a bit flat emotionally.

I'll get a call about fertilisation tomorrow, lets hope we get something to transfer. Oh and I forgot how much I missed the progesterone pessaries....nice.

We're gonna cuddle up in front of the tv tonight and watch the England v Germany football match, hopefully it will take my mind off things.

Final Numbers

2007-08-20T17:35:00.000Z

Ok here we go, I'm ready for trigger. The scan today showed the following:

R - 23 x 21
R - 25 x 13
R - 15 x 15
R - 11 x 10

L - 21 x 16
L - 19 x 17
L - 18 x 19
L - 23 x 13
L - 18 x 17
L - 16 x 10
L - 11 x 10
L - 11 x 10

I'm not too sure what to think really and could easily tie myself in knots wondering how many eggs I might get. I just want to do better than last time and that brought 4 eggs from 7 follicles, but I wonder how I will feel if I only get 4 or 5?

Damn those expectiations, giving me hope.

Trigger in one hour with collection at 7.45 am (UK time) on Wednesday.

Thanks for all the support..think I'd go insane otherwise.

Day 12

2007-08-19T12:21:00.000Z

Got back from my Day 12 scan, amazingly all is fine. My follicle sizes are:

R - 13 x 9
R - 26 x 11 (the sausage as nurse Gill called it!)
R - 19 x 18
R - 11 x 7
L - 20 x 13
L - 16 x 16
L - 21 x 14
L - 23 x 10
L - 11 x 11
L - 15 x 18
L - 8

Lining is 7 (so 14mm).

I was scheduled to trigger tonight but Gill wants me to go one more day to see if they grow a bit more. So back tomorrow afternoon for another scan.

Please please can I have 2 healthy embryos to put back........

When is ‘enough’?

2007-08-18T12:35:00.000Z

From what I have read from others blogs, it’s a pretty natural reaction to reject all things related to infertility if a cycle fails. That certainly happened to me when IVF/ICSI #1 failed, I didn’t want to read anything related to infertility and that stretched into the feeling that I needed to distance myself from my blog for a while.

Just before #1 failed I had started to read a book called ‘Making Babies The Hard Way by Caroline Gallup. It tells the real life story of a couple who meet well into their 30’s and decide they want to start a family. I got through about a third of the book before I just ‘lost interest’ after our failure.

I started reading it again the other day and in fact finished it this morning and the ending to the book started me thinking (if you want to or intend to read the book don’t carry on reading as I don’t want to spoil it for you).

The couple discovered that the man had azoospermia, so moved onto donor sperm. With the donor sperm they tried a total of 3 IUI’s (tablets and then injections) and they didn’t manage to get pregnant. They were toying with the idea of IVF but decided enough was enough…..and it was this part that fascinated me.

When is ‘enough’?

In a way I was wishing that she would try just one IVF, but then I realised that she had already pushed the boundaries of where she wanted to be, she never wanted to inject, yet she ended up trying it.

I guess it made me realise that everyone’s final boundaries are different and in a way it makes me envious that she knew where to draw the line. I know I would do anything (medical wise) to try to have a baby and therefore how will I know where my boundaries are? Will I find it difficult to say ‘enough is enough’?

The last paragraph in the book really hit home, it says:

“At some point, you have to decide how much is enough for you. Will you continue until you have a baby, or will you stop, re-assess, look inside each other’s souls and give each other permission to call it a day? Do as much as you want to, while you have the time. Might the right choice for you. Make it together and make it with love.”

I can only guess you just know in your heart when it’s time to move on.

Birthdays and thoughts

2007-08-17T11:53:00.000Z

Ok, now I need to tap into your vast knowledge of follicle growth/egg production. Have a look at my follicle sizes from my Day 8 scan below and tell me how many eggs you think I might be looking at when I (hopefully) go for collection next week?

Now, I know you are not all professionally qualified (well at least not on paper anyway) but I was just wondering if you might be able to have a guess. Oh and lets presume each follicle produces an egg to make it simpler. I think I am mainly trying to figure if the smaller follicles have enough time to grow before retrieval. I am guessing not, but I wanted a second opinion.

Anyway, its Friday and its also my Other Half's birthday today. So I am taking him out for dinner to a new restaurant in the village where we live. Thankfully, we can enjoy it knowing we are (as far as we know) on track.

Have a fabulous weekend everyone and I'll update you on Sunday with the results of the Day 12 scan.

Smiling

2007-08-15T11:25:00.000Z

Thanks for all the wishes you made...they worked.....I am on track!!!!

Last time, on my Day 8 scan, I had 5 tiny follicles that couldn't be measured. This time, I've got the following:

R - 11 x 8
R - 13 x 8
R - 6
R - 7
L - 9 x 8
L - 11 x 9
L - 11 x 9
L - 12 x 11
L - 11 x 10
L - 5
L - 7

I guess the smaller one's may not get to the right size, but 7 measurable one's is a much better response than last time. My lining is 5mm, which they measure in half measures so at 10mm it is good (so nurse Gill told me).

I am so relieved, I know this may not mean it will work but to improve gives me hope for the future. I go back for my Day 12 scan on Sunday and if all is on track I will trigger Sunday for collection on Tuesday.

So this time, no 15 days of stims, no tears after Day 8, no more expensive drugs to buy to get me through extra days, no more extra acupuncture to pay for. Happy...that's me.

Oh, just want to say Happy Birthday to Ultimate Journey....your next one will be as a Mum!!

Apprehension

2007-08-13T10:57:00.000Z

Things I am unlikely to hear at my first stim scan on Wednesday:

Blimey......I think you are overstimulating!
Wow, you have twice as many follicles as last time
You're looking like you'll get 10 eggs instead of the measly 4 you got on IVF#1
Fantastic, you are right on track, see you on Sunday for your day 12 scan

I am not feeling much in the way of ovary response to the drugs, I think it was day 8 last time when I felt the first twinge (today is day 6). I have felt little twinges but they have been so slight that it really could just be my mind playing tricks on me.

I am dreading the scan. I keep looking at my work diary and wondering if I will be an absolute mess when I have meetings on Thursday and Friday. I think about the weekend and wonder if I will be happy or not. It's my Other Half's birthday on Friday, and I would love us to be really pleased with the way things are going.

I just want to have a better response than last time. I would just be so pleased with 2 embryos to transfer....make a wish for me.

Eye boggling

2007-08-10T17:45:00.000Z

Geez louise.......all this for one days injections!!

The lengths you will go to, to try to be a mum!*!

Had my second acu appointment yesterday. I felt so silly with a needle between my eyes. Anyway, she was attempting to stimulate my follicles, using needles and something called a Moxa stick, which is used to stimulate acupuncture points. It's like a black cigar which you light and then it turns into a glow. I have brought some home, so I will have a go at waving that around my bits tonight. Knowing me I'll set my pants on fire!

Oh, and I can't believe it's been over 3 months since I had a cup of coffee. It's been ok really, the hardest part was at the beginning, but I find I don't even think about it now....but don't you worry, if I ever have a baby or just decide to give up trying, I'll be straight down to Starbucks for the biggest latte they make!!

It's the start of the football season in the UK tomorrow, I am so excited. So I intend to take it easy and watch hours of games - we can't wait.

Have a good weekend everyone....

Over the first hurdle

2007-08-08T17:33:00.000Z

It was my baseline scan today. I had nurse 'Whirlwind Gill' again but for a change she had lots of time to talk to me. We talked about my failed first cycle and what might be different this time.....fingers crossed.

Anyway the scan was fine. My lining was thin and my ovaries were fine. She said that the clinic was starting to look at antral follicle counts and she said she could see them on each ovary, I am a bit naive in this area so I didn't ask her how many. Plus she suggested that it new to them so I didn't push it.

So tonight I start stims...maximum dose of Menopur....whaheyy, go big guns! Day 8 scan next Wednesday, which makes my stomach turn at the thought of it. The day 8 scan was where it went horribly wrong last time. My poor response could have been a one-off but if it repeats again we have ourselves a pattern girls, which is not good news for my long term chance of having a baby, so lets just say I am hoping things will be much better this time.

Tomorrow is my second acupuncture appointment. The first one went really well and I walked out of the place feeling like I was walking on air. Tomorrow she is going to try to make my lazy ovaries behave and do some hard work for a change.

Wish me luck!!

Late night antics

2007-08-04T18:35:00.000Z

I have a few rituals with my cat, Millie, one of which is the bedtime routine.

She will hear the tv being turned off and will come bounding down the stairs to remind me that I need to get her bedtime treat......3 biscuits. We then go upstairs, she always has to beat me, she jumps on our bed and meows for her treats.

So there we were last night, you know how it goes....tv went off, she came in, I got the biscuits, and off we went. She was on the bed before I knew it and was pawing my hand eagerly. I reached in my pocket for the treats and she greedily snatched the first one.

She always gobbles them down, seeming never to take a breath, but last night she took the first one and jumped off the bed, to eat it at a slower pace. I looked down at her, wondering what she was doing and at the same time I looked down in my hand to see, in the dim light of the room, I still had 3 treats!!!

So guess what I had given my gorgeous cat as a bedtime treat?.......the plastic cap that you take off the down reg drugs when you open the bottle!

See.....IVF touches all members of the family!!

P.S she wasn't impressed!

Back with a bump (but not in that way!)

2007-07-31T10:29:00.000Z

Hi all, back from my globe trotting.

We had a great time in St Petersburg, it really is a beautiful city and we didn't have enough time to see it all, but the time we had was excellent. I got to see some of the amazing churches, cathedrals and the highlight was dinner in one of the royal palaces, followed by a private ballet performance and then a trip on the river. I may not see my Other Half much during the week at home but his job certainly does bring it's perks.

Here's a few pictures:

We got back from St Petersburg on Thursday 19th and then flew out to Crete, Greece on Fri 20th, well we nearly didn't make it as we had flash floods and the village where we live was nearly cut off, so I was so relieved to get to the airport and even a 2 hr flight delay didn't 'dampen' my spirits. We had a lovely rest, spent a lot of time reading and sleeping, but we made time to see a few sights........

Now, I'm not an overly religious person but the church that you see on the photo had just finished a service as we were passing, so we thought we would have a look inside. It was beautiful and we were the only 2 people in there which was even better as it was night time. There was one candle lit near the door, so we decided to make a contribution and light our own candle. I dedicated it to you all out there on your infertile journeys, and that I hope everyone finds happiness soon.

So what else? In amongst all of the travelling I have started down regulating. Can you believe I am now on day 9 of injections? I go for my first scan next week and if all is well I start stimulating injections...wow, it goes quickly when you're occupied. Oh, and my DHEA arrived, so I am taking that 3 times a day.

I am so far behind on catching up with everyone, so forgive me me if I take a while to get up to speed. I hope I find lots of good news out there.

Coming and going

2007-07-13T06:39:00.000Z

We had a lovely time in London with my nephew, we did all the usual sightseeing things, the dungeon, the tower, the eye, Buckingham Palace etc. It didn't rain at all which is a miracle in England at the moment as it's been peeing down for months!

Here's a picture of us sat on the banks of the River Thames getting a face full of ice cream.

So it's a weekend back at home. It will be spent packing to go to here (St Petersburg Russia) on Monday, back on Thursday, then a quick turnaround before flying out to Crete on Friday. We are staying here and I am so looking forward to a week of doing nothing. I'll start down regulating the day we get there, so hopefully the warm, relaxing atmosphere will start me off well.

Have a good weekend and I will catch up with you soon.

Let's go round again

2007-07-03T20:01:00.000Z

I went to the hospital today to pick up my drugs for round 2. Whilst I was there we booked in the dates for the scans so for the record (again) here's the plan:

21st July - start down regulating
8th August - start stims
15th August - day 8 scan
19th August - day 12 scan
21st August - possible egg collection
24th August - possible transfer? (TBC)

If all goes to plan it will be 34 days beginning to end. My first go was 52 days, due to my extended down reg (consultant was abroad) and then I had to stimulate longer than normal. So this time will feel much better, I hope!

As for the DHEA.....let's just say the scarlet pimpernel is easier to find. The pharmacy at the hospital cannot find out where to get it from, and neither does the fertility clinic, so I need to wait till Mr A is back from overseas to find out where the heck I get it from. In the meantime I exchanged a few emails with Portia today and between us we worked out which internet site sells the proper stuff. So just to cover my back I have ordered some on-line today. If any of you are interested in knowing where I ordered it from click here.

So I think that's all for now, we are off to London on Friday till Monday. We are taking my nephew as a 9th birthday present. We are planning on going to the Tower of London, London Dungeon, London Eye and an open top bus tour to see all the sights, but no word of a lie it has rained solidly in England for about 3 weeks, so maybe we'll sit on the bottom deck!

DHEA x 2

2007-07-01T17:26:00.000Z

Guess what? The man, he said "Yes"!!

Mr A's secretary spoke to him and he does think that its worth me trying DHEA. He said I could go to see him and he would prescribe it for me or if I wanted to save some money to get it off the internet. Just for info he said I should have 25mg 3 times a day.

Well, I didn't want to spend £110 for the time it took him to write me a prescription and I actually felt a bit strange about getting it off the internet so his secretary persuaded him to just write the prescription without seeing me! It is unlicenced here so I need to sign a disclaimer but she asked him to do it without the disclaimer so I could have it before he went away on holiday.

And then she even came round to my house to drop the prescription off! We've spoken and text so much in the last month or so and it was so nice to finally meet her. I've really made a good friend there, so all this IVF stuff isn't all bad.

No idea if DHEA will make a difference, but if I start sprouting hairs on the palms of my hands I'll let you all know!!

Other updates - We went out with my friend J last night and her other half. J is my friend who's baby was diagnosed as having downs syndrome the day I got my negative. She's being doing so well and we have seen each other tons and spoke nearly every day but it was so nice to spend time with them as a couple. They are doing so well considering the trauma they've been through and she's getting back to her old self, even talking about trying for another baby. I am so proud of how she dealt with this and I hope they have happy days ahead.

The biggest news? It's CD1.....my period started today!!! So day 21 I will start down regulating. We will be away in Greece but I'm fine about that, I was more worried about taking my drugs to Russia (the trips are very close together) but we're back from there on day 19....pheww.

So back to DHEA, and I actually think it stands for:

Darling Hubby to be Ere we go Again.....

Now there's a thought.....

2007-06-28T16:35:00.000Z

I was catching up on Portia P's blog the other day and my attention was drawn by her post on a hormone called DHEA which can help women have a better chance of increased egg production during IVF.

Well as you know my IVF#1 produced a pathetic egg haul of only 4 so I thought I would look into the possibility of trying DHEA.

I emailed Mr A's secretary and asked if he had heard of it. She called me back and said he had written a paper on DHEA and some of his patients are actually using it......surprised and slightly hopeful was my reaction.

So, she's got a meeting with him tonight and she's going to ask if he recommends that I get some. I believe it takes a few months to kick in, so won't make a difference to IVF#2 but if the treatment fails then it might have had time to be in my system by IVF#3. Hey I'll stand on my head in the middle of the motorway if it means it works, so I've nothing to lose.

So thanks Portia....lets see what he says.

New ideas

2007-06-25T16:45:00.000Z

I was thinking recently about all of you out there that use acupuncture during treatment. I was intrigued as to how it might help. So I had a look at the website of a beauticians located in the village we live, as there was a sign in the window saying an acupuncturist was based there.

Well her website only included fertility and baby related acupuncture information so I gave her a call and she specialises in infertility acupuncture.....it must be fate!

So I went to meet her last week for a chat and she explained that the treatment can help the embryo(s) implant as well as helping the stimulating drugs to work better. Both of which pricked my ears up.

So I've decided to have a few sessions prior to stimulating and also the day of implantation (fingers crossed we get there). It surprised me that she actually comes to the hospital with us to do it before and after transfer....now that's above and beyond the call of duty to me, but if it works I may have to name my baby after her...but Wendy might be strange if I have a boy!!

She did mention it wasn't good to fill your body full of cold foods, and I will take some of her advice but I'm not going overboard. I think that if the embryo is destined to get through it all it will do so despite everything.

So not a lot else happening. I am not commenting as much as I used to as I tend to catch up one week at a time now, so don't think I'm not reading, I'm just doing it at a slower pace these days.

A Strange Post

2007-06-13T16:38:00.000Z

Not a lot to say but I have 2 random questions for you all:

1. Wedding readings - do any of you have any great readings that you could email me? I have been looking for a while on the www but haven't found the perfect one. If you have my email address is onemiracleneeded@hotmail.co.uk

2. Does anyone know whether ice cream is to be avoided? I have heard that it helps egg quality, then I read on Erin's blog that you shouldn't have it...confused....can you help? also what's the story with milk...good or bad for you?

Thanks!!

Girlie shopping

2007-06-11T17:21:00.000Z

My sister, brother in law and nephew came to stay at the weekend. On Saturday, me and my sister left the boys to it and went off for a day of wedding dress shopping.

Before we went shopping together I had got my favourites down to 3 so it would make my final decision easier. I put on the 1st dress then walked out to where my sister was waiting......she cried when she saw me, which made me cry too.......I just do not know how I will get down the aisle in the church without dissolving into a puddle of tears. After a few hours of trying and re-trying, I made my decision and we also chose her bridesmaid dress too...not bad for one days shopping.

I am itching to describe the dress to you but my Other Half will read this, so I will just have to promise to post the pictures of the big day.

We had such a great time trying on lots of beautiful dresses and being so well looked after in the bridal shops, its a pity us girls can't do it all the time. I even tried on a fantastic 'fairy' type dress just for fun, it was so Sex and the City!

Disaster happened today, when I found out the dress was discontinued!! The tears flowed again, but not tears of joy. To cut a long story short, they urgently contacted the manufacturer and found me one in a size bigger than I am so they can now get it altered to my size......pheww!

Other news, I got my blood test results today for my thyroid levels. Mr A had previously said I shouldn't try another cycle till my levels were stabilised. The good news is they came back normal so I must be on the right dosage of thyroxine now, which means we can plough on with try number 2 next month.....happy days.

Excited

2007-06-07T13:43:00.001Z

Guess what I did today? I went to try on some wedding dresses!!

I was so nervous as I've never done this before. I decided to go on my own, as my sister is coming to stay at the weekend and we are going to look again and also look for her bridesmaid dress. So two dresses in one day = stress to me, so I decided to have an early peek myself.

So I tried 4 on and fell in love with one of them. It brought tears to my eyes and started to make me really look forward to the big day. Last week I didn't feel the excitement I should have felt about progressing the wedding plans as I knew we were carrying on with things due to getting a negative result.

But having tried a fantastic dress on I feel excited about things again. I am marrying the love of my life and I can't wait. I guess I just got a little distracted with other things for a while.

P.S The photo is not of me!!

Plan B

2007-06-05T12:17:00.000Z

I know I should have posted a few days ago about the consultant follow up appointment, but I've had other things on my mind and I've been able to get some of my life back which really has been the silver lining to the bad news.

Anyway onto Plan B. Mr A said we really looking at an egg quality issue so its good that we've nothing to worry about when it comes to my Other Half. I asked him a million and one questions but he really said he can't draw any proper conclusion from one cycle. He said there's still hope, so we're going to try again. I have already started my breakthrough bleed (whooahh she's a bad one), so if I have a 28 day cycle (which I normally do) then day 1 would be around 1st July and then down regulating starts approx 21st July, which clashes nicely with our holidays (never mind).

He is also pulling out the big guns now. I am going to be on the maximum dose possible of Menopur, I think he thinks that there's more chance of me winning the lottery than overstimulating! Its a bit scary to be on the maximum, but if it works then it's fine with me.

The other thing he specifically mentioned was my thyroxine levels. My regular doctor increased my dose a few weeks ago and Mr A definitely thinks that if my thyroid function was not balanced then it could have affected my treatment. So I am going for a blood test this afternoon to see what its like now. Mr A says it has to be balanced before starting again, so I live in hope that little things like this may make the difference next time.

Not a lot else going on, met up with my old friend 'red red wine' at the weekend and think I spent a little bit too much time in her company, but I guess I was overdue a blow out.

Also booked a holiday to Crete for a week, we go the day after we get back from a 4 day trip to St Petersburg, Russia, so it is going to be a busy July, and treatment will be upon me again before I know it.

Putting things into perspective

2007-05-31T11:05:00.000Z

We had our appointment at the hospital this morning and just as we thought they confirmed it was a definite negative, so no surprises there. The nurse was really helpful with advice and guidance and we even had a laugh at the end of the conversation - bet she's not used to that after a negative.

I drove home alone as my Other Half went off to get the train to London. As I was driving along I felt the overwhelming urge to go to see my friend. She found out she was pregnant just as I started my treatment and we haven't seen each other since then, mainly because I needed to retreat into my hole until the cycle was over. Well, as the treatment was over, I felt it was time to move on and start to get involved and enjoy her pregnancy.

I turned up unannounced and her other half answered the door, I haven't met him before (long story), but I asked if J was in and he just turned and walked into the house without saying much. J was on the phone but told me to go into the kitchen for a drink and she would be with me soon.

She came in and asked if I had good news for her, I just handed her my leaflet from the hospital, entitled 'Advice following unsuccessful treatment cycle'. She looked at me and said sorry then said "Looks like we're in it together, the baby is poorly". I was stunned.

She found out yesterday following scans and CVS results that her baby has Downs Syndrome. They will say their goodbyes tomorrow.

We hugged, we cried and said we can support each other.

It just makes me realise that its never over till the healthy baby appears. It's also really put my situation into perspective, my situation is disappointing, hers is devastating, so its time for me to be the greatest friend I can be.

I'm seeing Mr A later today about our next steps and will update soon after that. For now I feel sad, but not for me.

Love you J xx

April/May 2007 Report Card

2007-05-30T14:11:00.000Z

'Must do better' was the summary of my IVF #1 performance.

I have a hospital appointment in the morning to do my pregnancy test but in order to be prepared I did my own test this morning. It seems the little fighter ran out of steam and couldn't make it to the end. Not surprising really considering the battle he had to get to be an embryo in the first place.

I'm really fine about it. It was what I was expecting and a part of me is glad I know one way or another. It means I can get my life back and get on with stage 2.

I always thought this first try was a trial and I am sure Mr A (my consultant) will be better informed now he knows much more about our situation/response, so hopefully next time will be a real go.

I've been thinking about people who have had months and years of trying to conceive and when they get to IVF it must be a massive blow if it fails first time. I'm slightly different. I never met anyone I wanted to have children with, so never tried to have a baby before, and when my Other Half and I decided to have children we already knew it was IVF or nothing for us. So I just see this as hiccup number 1 rather than last chance number 1.

Mr A's secretary has been a star - despite breaking her arm last week, this morning she booked me a follow up appointment with him to discuss next steps. So it's off to the hospital in the morning to get the official pregnancy test done and then in the afternoon I go to see Mr A, with my long list of questions.

What do they say the definition of insanity is? Oh yes, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Guess that means I am insane after all!!

Hi everyone - I'm back

2007-05-26T10:35:00.000Z

Oohh what a lovely break.

Spent most of the week with my feet up, reading books. It's years since I have been able to do that. Do you know what? for the first time in months I stopped thinking about all this infertility stuff. I can't lie and say it hasn't crossed my mind whether this cycle has worked, but for once, it has not been ruling me. I felt like my life was back. This may sounds strange but I have been a little scared to get back online as I don't want it all to consume me again and blogging does that. Anyway, I managed nearly 24 hours, then just had to peek.

So what else has been going on? not a lot really. Definitely don't feel pregnant and I am absolutely convinced I am not. Don't know why, but I feel like I know. In a way when we went away I felt like this cycle ended - there were no more injections, no more hospital procedures, just everything down to mother nature, so in a way I have preparing for 'the real end'. On top of all that, it was the most pathetic of every cycle known to man and we fell over the finish line, so my expectations are nil. Therefore, I don't feel I have far to fall if it's bad news.

As far as symptoms go, the only thing I have is sore boobs and that could just be the usual monthly aches and pains.

Next week is the big week. We don't have a beta in the UK, we just have a normal pregnancy test. So don't worry, if I get bad news, I won't be distraught, as it is the only thing I am expecting.

Right I'm off to catch up on all your news......

Quick Update

2007-05-19T13:25:00.000Z

Back from transfer.

One of the little ones didn't make it overnight as it didn't divide normally. But the one other little fighter made it to 4 cells. They graded is 2/3 so although I haven't got the best chance in the world, lets just hope this little one is determined to stick around despite all obstacles that have been put in it's way.

Held my fertility stone all the way through transfer.....hope it works.

It's time for a break

2007-05-18T15:53:00.000Z

I always intended to get away for a while during this treatment, its been tough both physically and mentally and I think it is time for a break.

On Sunday, we are going to a Welsh seaside village called Criccieth. My Mum grew up there and I have many happy childhood memories of holidays there, playing on the beach, walking the dogs, riding my bike...all the things a young girl does with her family.

Its a great place to just relax and unwind. The picture I have attached is more or less the view we have from where we stay.

I am so looking forward to the fresh air, reading a book or two, spending time with my Other Half and visiting my Granny who will be 90 this year.

Do you know what else I will be doing?........

Trying to grow a baby. Of my 4 eggs 2 were suitable for ICSI. 100% fertilisation....I cried (happy) buckets. Transferring 2 embies at 8 a.m. tomorrow.....gobsmacked.

Back next weekend x

Wide eyed and eggless

2007-05-17T18:25:00.000Z

I'm back.

A bit weary and tender but alive and kicking. I've spent most of today dozing on the sofa, catching up with Desperate Housewives......beats work any day.

Well, he got 4 eggs....not a massive haul, but then again I was expecting zilch. My worst case scenario was that he got nothing and told me I would never have children and my best case scenario was that he would miraculously get 20 eggs, but I knew that was asking a bit too much. So I'll take 4 thank you very much.

I am not too sure of the quality, but Mr A's secretary called me about an hour ago to see how I was (bless her) and said she had already text and emailed him to ask how it went. When/if she hears from him she'll let me know if he gives her any inside information.

They will call me before 11 a.m.tomorrow and let me know the fertilisation report....my tummy does somersaults at the thought of 'the call'. I just want one....please, just one will do.

So tonight I am going to glue myself to the sofa and watch more trashy tv to keep me occupied.

Catch up with you tomorrow.

P.S When I woke up from the anaesthetic, I was rambling on about 4 empty vial bottles I needed to get rid of in my bag....what a lie...I haven't got a single one!

Superstition gone mad?

2007-05-16T11:03:00.000Z

As I mentioned in my ‘I AM’ post, my best friend is Polish, she’s been in England for a few years now but regularly goes back to see her family in Kielce. I spent New Years Eve 2005 there, and I loved it……funny stories of her Other Half being sick in the snow (too much NYE frivolity)….but that’s a story for another day.

Anyway, she went to Poland at Easter as she needed emergency dental treatment (and the English dental system is not great) so she flew back to get things sorted.

Now Easter is a big celebration in Poland, it’s on a par with Christmas in some respects and one of the features are painted eggs which the families make themselves. These 'pisanki' are an essential part of the Polish Easter table, and on Easter Saturday, families dressed in their best glad rags will take little baskets to church, complete with the pisanki eggs and many other traditional Easter symbols.

The baskets are then blessed in the church a custom known as 'swiecone' (literally 'blessed')

Easter Sunday revolves around the home, and food that was blessed in church the previous day is consumed in an elaborate extended family breakfast, often involving a dash of alcohol! Whayhey I'm up for that!

Anyway, my friend beautifully decorated some eggs for me, took them to the church, had them blessed and then brought them back to England for me. How sweet is she?

So ever since they arrived, I have kept them in my medical bag (in a protective box of course) and they have made every one of the trips to the hospital.

Since Tuesday they have a new playmate. Lara, kindly sent me a great fertility stone as part of the Braces Bunch fun. Lara mentioned that the reiki master that blessed the stones said that anything egg shaped is also good for fertility. Get boiling some eggs girls and wear them as necklaces, it might look strange but who cares?! :-)

So tonight I am going to pack my hospital bag and all my special good luck charms....I do hope they will bring us some luck in this stuttering cycle.

Here goes everything

2007-05-15T17:41:00.000Z

Scan 156 at the hospital today, well at least it felt like it.

Everything is ready to roll. No more worries about cancellations, the head rest is locked securely in place, countdown has begun and we can't get off this rollercoaster now...and as you know I am not a fan of rollercoasters, but this one I am willing to ride.

Here are the latest stats:

right follie 1 (fred) - was 18 by 16 now 26 by 18
right follie 2 (frank) - was 17 by 16 now 19 by 20
right follie 3 (felix) - was 11 by 8 now 10 (?*!) by 9
little right gatecrasher - 9 by 5

left follie 1 (francesca) - was 16 by 14 now 18 by 15
left follie 2 (farah) - was 14 by 10 17 by 13
little left gatecrasher - 8 by 8

So tonight I have triggered and retrieval is scheduled for 7.15 a.m. on Thursday. Whirlwind Jill kept saying that I need to keep in mind that there might not be any eggs, that the eggs might not be suitable for ICSI, that the eggs might not fertilise and that there might not be any embryos to put back, oh and we don't think there will be any freezing options afterwards...but do you know what? at this point I will take even the smallest of odds.

Mr A's secretary called me today too (after I text with an update) and she is going to let him know I am scheduled in for Thursday....I feel like a V.I.P!

Will try to update after retrieval...but for now I am closing my eyes, standing on the edge and stepping out......

Five For Fighting

2007-05-14T17:22:00.000Z

I feel like I should have a named parking space at the hospital at the moment. When I walk into reception and they all turn and smile and say "hi" you know you've been inducted into the fertility hall of fame....well it should be hall of shame considering how much time you have to spend with your lady garden on show!

Today was the latest scan to see how the 5 fighting follies are doing (day 14 of stims....gee I have staying power). Well, the little sweethearts didn't let me down. For those of you who understand all of this mumbojumbo here's the stats:

right follie 1 (fred) - 18 by 16
right follie 2 (frank) - 17 by 16
right follie 3 (felix) - 11 by 8

left follie 1 (francesca) - 16 by 14
left follie 2 (farah) - 14 by 10

(Boys and girls follies kept in separate rooms to avoid premature shenanighans)

My ~~endometrium~~ lining (see I'm learning) is 15mm which Whirlwind Jill said was splendid. Bring it on....something I seem to be good at.

So what's next?

They would like my smaller ones to catch up a little so the plan is I go back in the morning to see how things are brewing. If the bigger ones can't wait another day then I go for retrieval on Thursday, if they can wait, then it will be Friday*

Oh and Jill gave me a picture of my scan - now I know I'm being silly as it only resembles a bad tv screen, but I was so excited to get 'one of those' pictures in my sticky little mitts....maybe one day I will get a proper grown up one.

*Egg retrieval is not 100% certain yet, but things look far more positive than last week.

I Am

2007-05-12T11:06:00.000Z

Whoohoo, I have been tagged by Sticky Bun to play the ‘I Am’ game.

I did try to write it in verse but realised quickly that ‘I am…not a poet!’, so here are my random thoughts.

I am in the process of doing up our new house…so much to do
I am my 8 year old nephews biggest fan, even though he’s going off kisses!
I am a bride to be….1st February next year
I am the best friend of a polish woman
I am an ex womens footballer who is mad about the English game
I am a thinker, sometimes far too much
I am too soft on my beloved cat, Millie, she sleeps under the covers next to me
I am lucky to be able to work from home
I am desperately missing wine and coffee
I am a Simon Cowell fan (I know I should be seeking therapy for this!)
I am scared of letting people down
I am mad about holidays - going to Russia in July and New Zealand for our honeymoon
I am ready to be a mum, just don’t know when it will be
I am a fan of scuba diving but petrified of rollercoasters
I am self aware and very self critical
I am a book reader, currently reading ‘Lovely Bones’ by Alice Sebold
I am a passionate believer of good manners and respect
I am the apple of my Mum and Dad’s eye and a fabulous sister ;-) (they read my blog!)
I am lacking in self confidence yet the world doesn’t know
I am becoming more aware of the environment and try to recycle and save energy as much as possible
I am old romantic at heart (it figures being a Barry fan) and love to be romanced
I am a perfectionist who sometimes loses interest
I am a control freak…just you dare try to get the remote control from me!

Ok, so I now need to tag 5 other bloggers so they can join the ‘I Am’ game - can’t wait to read them…but if you’ve been tagged already, ignore me.

Singletracy (Baby Steps)
Ultimate Journey (Still Trying After All Those Pills)
Sunny Jenny (A Journey Through Infertility)
Aunt Sassy (Rotten Eggs)
Carrie (Carriepreciouslittle)

Agony or pleasure?

2007-05-11T13:35:00.000Z

Today was follow up appointment day to see how things were doing with the follicle growth. We were kept waiting at the hospital for 40 minutes by which time I was nearly climbing the walls, trying not to get stressed....nope didn't work.

Just before I started rocking backwards and forwards on my chair, humming to myself, the nurse (Whirlwind Gill) called my name. Off she sprinted to the exam room - this time I was determined not to be rushed in and out so we followed her at our pace....nice and relaxed (yeah right!).

She asked me how I had been, "Better" was all I could splutter out without crying. So off I stripped and then someone else came in the room, it was my favourite nurse 'Lovely Nurse Jane'. She asked Gill if she wanted her to write my notes up for her, I guess because they were so far behind.

So Gill says her usual 'Ok, a bit cold and some jelly' and off we went. Here's what the conversation went like:

Gill: the endemetrium looks good
Me (thinking): What the heck is that??*!
Gill: Ok Jane, I'll read them out
Jane: OK
Gill: looks like they have grown
Me (thinking): What the heck?!**!
Gill: 10 by 8, 14 by 10, 7 by 5, 10 by 8, 7 by 7
Me (thinking): sounds like measurements for wood in a DIY store
Jane: Good, we'll press on then
Me (looking like a goldfish, open mouthed): pardon?!*
Gill: Yes, I'll give you more Menopur to get your through to Monday, come back then and we'll see how things are going on, but looks as though we'll get to egg collection.
Me: errr, thanks very much.

Ok, don't laugh, I know my 5 follicles are ridiculously small, but hope is back, ready to fight another day. Lets hope my 5 little fighters are determined to see this thing through.

Stressed? check, but not as much as before. Shocked? double check. Surprised.....yep that's me.

Let's see what Monday brings....

P.S. Thanks for all the Barry love, now I know there's so many closet fans, I can admit to being in his fan club, seeing him in concert about 20 times and even going across the pond to see him in Vegas...ok enough now, I think I am getting giddy.

Want to share my umbrella?

2007-05-10T09:14:00.000Z

When I was very little (I think about about 4 or 5) I used to listen to the music my Dad played and for some unknown, strange reason I developed an obsession for Barry Manilow....I know, I know, its very weird and I just cant explain it, I just fell in the love with the 'big nosed one'. Even as an adult, I'm the same, but instead I celebrate it now rather than fighting it! Now I had no intentions of sharing this secret with you, for fear of losing readers, but something happened yesterday that made me think.

My Other Half and I went in separate cars to the hospital, as he had to go straight to his office in London after the appointment. We set off in plenty of time as I learnt from the last visit that it's no good for your stress levels to be late. The weather was fine when we left home but after a little while it started raining lightly on the windscreen. As we continued into the city, the rain became progressively heavier and heavier and by the time we approached the hospital, it was absolutely pelting down. It was that heavy I thought to myself 'I hope this is not sign of bad things to come'. It turned out it was.

I didn't think too much more about it until I spoke to my Mum and Dad last night. They had just arrived back from a week in Wales. Dad mentioned that after they had heard my news from the hospital, they were obviously upset for me and really did not feel much like driving the 3hr journey home. They got in the car and put on the radio......and the first note of Barry's song 'I Made It Through The Rain' came on. Dad turned to Mum and said 'I hope this song is an omen'.

So I think I will have this as my theme tune - here's a few of the lyrics. And for those of you currently getting rained on too, lets hope the shelter of the umbrella gets us through till the rain stops.

We dreamers have our ways

Of facing rainy days

And somehow we survive

We keep the feelings warm

Protect them from the storm

Until our time arrives

Then one day the sun appears

And we come shining through those lonely years

I made it through the rain

I kept my world protected

I made it through the rain

I kept my point of view

I made it through the rain

And found myself respected

By the others who

Got rained on too

And made it through

When friends are hard to find

And life seems so unkind

Sometimes you feel so afraid

Just aim beyond the clouds

And rise above the crowds

And start your own parade'

Cause when I chased my fears away

That's when I knew that I could finally say

I made it through the rain.......

A glimmer of hope

2007-05-09T17:46:00.000Z

Mr A's secretary called me about an hour ago. She apologised for it being later than she hoped but had just managed to speak to him.

His advice was that at this stage, there is no benefit in increasing the dosage, it just won't make any difference. My heart sank.

Then came the slightly better news.....she explained to Mr A that I didn't want to have to wait months to try again (depending on periods etc etc). So he has said that if the scan on Friday shows that this treatment need cancelling then I must tell the nurse that he has said I should stay on the down regulating injections but stop stims, then in 2 or 3 weeks, I can start a higher dose of the stims again. Pheww, I had visions of it being August or later before I could go again.

He said that they like people to wait a while before starting again so they can process the loss, which is why I don't have to wait as I will have been stopped before I've really begun.

So I'm telling myself that even if its bad news on Fri then the cycle is just delayed rather than cancelled. In the meantime, I am trying to convince myself that the twinges I have been having since yesterday are the fattest follicles in the world.

Up and down

2007-05-09T14:10:00.000Z

Thanks for all your comments today and yesterday - they really make me feel like people do care. I've had lots of support from family and friends too so that has helped.

I've been all over the place emotionally in the last 24 hrs. I have gone from oceans of tears to feeling ok to feeling empty all the space of a minute. It's such a strange place to be.

I said to my sister last night that I've got the the feeling you get when someone dies or when you split up with someone. Like all your focus has gone. I just can't face months of waiting for the next cycle, it will be so hard.

My other half suggested I call my consultant (Mr A) this morning as I hadn't heard anything from him. I got through to his secretary, who I have never spoken to before. I told her what I needed to know in terms of should I increase my dosage, then she started 'talking' to me. Like really talking about how I was feeling and how she understood because she had been through IVF before, and how she would do all she could to sort things out for me.

She was SO nice...well that set me off in floods of tears again and she just listened and asked questions for ages. She was not in any rush to get off the phone. She gave me her mobile number and her email and said I could call her anytime if I wanted to talk. She said if the worst came to the worst and we had to cancel treatment she would make room in his diary next week so we could talk things through with him. Seriously, I was astounded by all this. She has also emailed and text me today to see how I was, I feel lucky she is on my side.

So now I am waiting for her call to let me know if Mr A wants to increase my dose for a couple of days. Here's hoping.....

Not good....

2007-05-08T10:50:00.000Z

Went for my day 8 of stims scan this morning. Not good news. I only have 5 tiny follicles (don't know the size) and some smaller ones which can't be measured.

I have to go back to the hospital on Friday - if the follicles haven't grown enough the cycle will be cancelled.

The lights are on but there's no one at home

2007-05-03T17:24:00.000Z

So when I started my down regulation injections on April 3rd I was ready......ready for:

the headaches
the temper tantrums*
the mood swings*
the hot flushes*
the tears*
the be-atch from hell*

and what did I get......nothing, nada, zip, zilch. Well I do admit, I've had daily headaches.

It hasn't played on my mind at all, in fact, I think it's a good thing that I've been pretty 'normal' up to now. But what is playing on my mind is that its Day 2 of my stims and what do I feel? Yes, you guessed it....nothing, nada, zip, zilch.

At what point should the ovaries start to tinkle? When on earth should I notice SOMETHING happening?

I'm off to Google the words 'placebo' and 'IVF'.......

* well, no worse than normal

My man

2007-05-02T08:37:00.000Z

I survived....the first stim injection was last night. After a lot of furrowed brows, shaking of heads and bottles, mixing powders and liquids, syringes doing things of their own accord, we eventually got through it. It took us 40 mins!!! I decided to inject in my leg to give my bruised tummy a break. It may have been beginners luck but it didn't hurt at all when I injected, just ached a little afterwards. When should I start to notice a reaction from the drugs? Anyway, one down, a few to go.

Thanks for all the comments. They got me thinking about my Other Half and what he is going through.....

We got together nearly 4 years ago now and the night we met I was not in the slightest bit interested in him romantically. That night, it felt safe to ask him questions about his life because the answer wouldn't affect me. So when I asked him if he wanted children and he said "No", it really didn't register with me. You see, without embarrassing him too much (because he will read this) he's read the book and got the t-shirt. He is a few years older than me and has two gorgeous daughters (24 & 20) from his first marriage.

Back to the story....

We already knew of each others names through work, so it was no surprise when he called me 2 days later to ask if I would like to go out for dinner. He was a 'Big Cheese' at work so the devil in me thought it would be an adventure to have just one dinner, I was single so there was nothing to lose.

I can honestly say that dinner date changed my life, I fell in love with him that night, and I was gobsmacked that I felt that way. The good news was the feeling was mutual.

The past 3 years or so have been tough at times, its not been all hearts and flowers and we have had more than our share of ups and downs. But something seem to click last year, we bought our first house together and on Christmas Day last year he proposed to me. How good is that? The wedding is next February....unless we have to postpone because of a fabulous excuse.

You may wonder how he went from not wanting anymore children to then being prepared to go through the stress of IVF. I guess only he can answer that, but I know he wouldn't be doing it it if wasn't for me. I mean that in a nice way, he is doing this because he loves me and he now wants this to work as much as I do.

So honey, before the madness takes over, and we forget where we have come from, I just want to say thank you.... thank you for doing this for 'us', and thank you for asking me to marry you. I love you MLL x

Doc update

2007-05-01T11:50:00.000Z

Thought I would update you on the thyroid episode and other things.

My doctor called yesterday and as I thought, my results have come back as 'dodgy'. She wanted to increase the dosage. I explained that I was in the middle of an IVF cycle so she thought it was a good idea to run it by my IVF consultant before we changed the medication.

My consultant is a really nice man and on a couple of previous occasions I have sent him a text to his mobile rather than calling. I am really not sure if this is ok but I figured that he wouldn't let me have his mobile number if he didn't want any contact that way.

So I sent him a text and bless him he responded straight away - and he was abroad...that made me feel a bit more guilty. He said that I should follow the advice of my doctor and increase the dosage if needed. So that's what I agreed to do with the doctor. I suppose I have to trust both of them and see what happens.

Its Day 1 of stimulating drugs later today, I got a bit of a stress head on when my Other Half (who has to stay away from home about once a month with work) told me that it would be May 1st......"Oh no, that's the first day of the magic juggling act with the new drugs". He came home last night and told me that he had arranged with his boss to make his excuses from the evening dinner so he could be at home with me. I obviously told him how much I loved him and gave him a great big hug.

The other thing on my mind....I am scared again.

In 13 days they could be doing egg retrieval, if all goes well. Do you know why I am scared? Because this whole cycle has taken 1 month up to now and the end is in sight. You may think I am mad but I am frightened of it all ending. I feel like I am in a protective bubble at the moment, that I can't feel pain because its all still in progress. I feel like I am edging towards that great big drop and I don't know whether the parachute will open when I jump.

You may say I could be closer to success but I can't think like that, so the scary monster is winning hairy hands down at the moment.

Country rock and the doc

2007-04-27T15:13:00.000Z

We went to see Keith Urban in concert last night. Its great being a fan of dare I say it 'country' because when the big stars come to the UK they play in such small venues - I guess they're just trying to build up their fan base.

Anyway Mr Nicole Kidman (does anyone know if she is pg or not?) did not let us down, he was very entertaining. We stayed at the back of the hall as we didn't fancy fighting our way to the front, jostling for elbow room with screaming women - no sir, I'll just stay here, tap my feet and sip my water thank you very much. I took some very bad pictures of him, so if you squint your eyes, tilt your head and stand on one leg, you might just be able to tell its him. I must say he is a bit on the cute side....mmmm.

Onto other news, and before I do I had better give you some background. I have an under active thyroid which I have been taking medication for about 2 years now. I have to have my blood tested every 6 months or so to make sure my levels are ok. Well, when I was tested late last year the results were a little borderline so the doc suggested I repeat the test in 3/4 months.

So on Monday I trotted off to the hospital for the test (they send the results back to the doctors). I got a letter in the post today asking me to book a telephone appointment to discuss the results, so unless I am stupid, I think this means my results have come back 'dodgy' again. So what is going through my mind is that if they want to change my dosage I had better speak to my IVF consultant first. He prescribed my IVF drugs based on my age and FSH levels so if my new thyroid dosage affects my FSH levels the top of my head could blow off with OHSS!!

So that's my Friday update. We're off to lesson 2 of Ballroom Dancing later....one two cha cha cha.

Note to self

2007-04-26T09:49:00.000Z

I just wanted to have a note of all the dates for this cycle to either look back on with glee or morbid fascination, but mainly to know the whole timetable should we have to buy this very expensive lottery ticket again.

So for the record here they are:

3rd April - Start down regulating injections
24th April - First scan
1st May - Start stimulating injections
8th May - Day 8 scan
12th May - Day 12 scan (dependant on day 8 scan)
14th May - Egg collection *
17th May - Embryo transfer *

* All being well, with a bit of luck and a following wind.

All is quiet on the western front

2007-04-24T16:26:00.000Z

Considering how anxious I was feeling I slept really well last night and when I woke up this morning I felt a strange calm, not nervous at all.

We headed off for the hospital, with plenty of time to spare but then got stuck in a traffic jam….grrrr. I was kicking myself and thinking we must give ourselves even more time next appointment. The hospital is about 25 minutes away so I should be grateful of that as I know lots of people travel hundreds of miles backwards and forwards to their hospitals. Anyway we made it just in time to get to the admissions office to part with £2500 (gulp) and head off to the fertility suite for the scan.

I saw Lovely Nurse Jane as soon as we arrived but this time we were seen by Gill. Whirlwind Gill…..she ran through the instructions for the new drugs at break neck speed. Break this, mix this, inject this, wipe this. My ~~glamorous assistant’s~~ other half's pen was nearly on fire trying to keep up with all the note taking.

Before I really knew where we were she had her magic wand out and up my tuppence (sorry Dad, but I said things might get a bit graphic). Anyway the good news is that my uterus looks ‘lovely’?!* and is in the right place….well I suppose it’s a relief its not under my left armpit!

She then set about looking for my ovaries…”mmmm I cant find them”, “well they were there in October when I had an operation”…where on earth could they be hiding I thought…..perhaps they were under my left armpit instead? Anyway, low and behold the little gems popped up on the screen one at a time and all looked good.

She also mentioned it was normal to have a longer period when starting the down regulating drugs (pheww) and that all my insides were soundly asleep.

Stimulating drugs start 1st May…one hurdle down…many more to go……but smiling a bit more today.

I can breathe again…..for now

Please don't rain on my parade

2007-04-23T18:55:00.000Z

Here is my gorgeous godson with my other half. We went to his 1st birthday party yesterday. He was so happy and friendly and did nothing but smile all afternoon. I hope we get to have a 1st birthday party sometime.....

In about 12 hours we will be at the hospital. I keep thinking that its the first opportunity to fail. They will be checking if the down regulating drugs are working ok. The only thing playing on my mind is that my period has lasted 11 days whilst on the drugs. I knew I would have one but I wasn't told it should last any longer than normal.

I am scared.....

......that the drugs aren't working

......that we can't move onto the next stage

......that the stimulating drugs wont produce any follicles

......that the follicles won't produce any eggs

......that the eggs won't fertilise

......that there won't be any embryos to put back

......that the embryos don't like their new home

......that its a big fat negative

I just want the opportunity to try. Please let us be able to try.

Just messing around with photos

2007-04-20T09:49:00.001Z

Me and my mate
Originally uploaded by onemiracleneeded.

So last night my other half tried to kill me....

2007-04-18T11:45:00.000Z

I just had to give in...the pain was too much.....I was beaten.....the headaches had won.

My ever attentive other half could see I was in pain, so whilst I was in the bath, he said he would go and get me some paracetamol to take. We have been told by Lovely Nurse Jane that paracetamol was fine whilst I was cycling.

So he trots back with the pills and water and I gulp them down......ahh feels better already as I slipped back deeper in the water. Eventually I dragged my water-wrinkled body out of the bath, got dressed and went downstairs.

Cue dramatic music.......the empty packet on the side was not the paracetamol I had left out. In his wisdom (and normally he has it in abundance) he ignored the packet marked PARACETAMOL that had been on display in the kitchen for over 2 weeks (!*!) and instead he rummages through our medical box, at the back of the cupboard, for some other concoction of drugs.

So I'm stumbling around in the hallway, clutching my throat, shouting up to him "You've given me the wrong ruddy tablets!!!!"

At that point our new neighbours rang the doorbell and we quickly put on our best smiles and introduced ourselves. God knows what they thought as I was in my pajamas, probably with wild eyes at that point thinking...stomach pump, stomach pump, I need a stomach pump. I might be wrong but I have a funny feeling that we might not see much of them from now on.

I was delighted when I woke up this morning, for more reasons than one, and gave Lovely Nurse Jane a call. She wasn't available so I left a message for her to call me back. She did quite quickly and said 'I got a strange message that your other half has tried to poison you'....."not quite" I said "but let me tell you the story Jane".

Well, the upshot is I will live, but the learning is priceless girls.....make sure you see the packets before you pop any pills!

But the good news is...the headache has gone...whaheyy!!

Pins and needles and all that jazz

2007-04-16T16:31:00.001Z

We've been away over the weekend and of course I had to carry on with the injections which meant having to make my excuses to ‘powder my nose’.

On Saturday night we went to a family Silver Wedding party. It was held at a really posh English golf club, you know the one's - where women are only allowed in certain rooms and you have to have a double-barrelled surname just to be a member. As my mobile phone buzzed at 9 p.m. to remind me ‘it was time’ I hastily dashed off to the toilet. I got into the cubicle and checked that the door was firmly locked before opening the ‘goods'...wait.....was the door really locked?...I’ll just check...yes it is, pheww. I just had this vision of the Lady Captain accidentally opening the door to find one of the members daughters ‘acting inappropriately’ in the toilet – can you imagine it!

I’d chosen the 9 p.m. timeslot carefully so it would mean I would be home most of the time, which should have been the case last night but we got stuck in motorway traffic on the way home. So at 9 ish we had to stop in one of the furthest darkest corners of a motorway service station.

It seemed like every car that drove by, did so very slowly and the ~~grouchy monster~~ tired person that I was, just wanted to shout “Go away, we’re trying to make a baby”, luckily I didn’t, otherwise I might have been writing a completely different post entitled “Desperately trying to explain something innocent to the local police”.

Luckily tonight I can do this from the comfort of our home, but more exotic places lie ahead - the theatre, ballroom dancing classes and a Keith Urban concert. The irony of doing it at the concert is not lost on me as I think he may have been in similar situations himself (allegedly of course!).

Anyway, all of this got me wondering about the weird and wonderful places you have had to take your bag of tricks.

So girls.... where’s the strangest place you’ve had to shoot up?

Who ordered the marching band?

2007-04-11T18:49:00.000Z

Blimey, my head hurts.

I can't quite work out if its the crappy day at work that has caused it or the injections but the small brass band can just pack up and leave anytime they feel like it. I am even saying 'sshhhh' to the TV.

Bad day at work today, in fact when I read Ultimate Journey's post, I swear my mind was being read. You know those days when everything seems to go wrong and you think 'give me a break'. When every email is bad news and every call is someone with a problem and you just think 'Ahhhhh leave me ALONE!'
My boss did say to me today that I have a really difficult job so I know its not just me feeling frustrated. Still, give me a screaming baby and I'll say goodbye to it for a while with a smile on my face.

One thing my other half and I have been talking about is going away for a break if/when we have the embryo transfer. We'll probably go to Wales, where my Grandma lives and just get lots of sea air, and just relax. Today made me realise that I can't avoid days like today if I'm working, so today has been a positive in that it's made my mind up to take some time out.

Apart from the whinge about work I am feeling fine (emotionally). I have not had any contact with my friend since the pregnancy news, she's a clever cookie and probably realises I need a bit of time to adjust so I'll drop her a text to say hi later in the week.

The Buserelin injections have been fine. My other half commented last night that he thinks I am injecting it too high in my tummy....."no, go for the fat bits" he said......"you what?!*" I said as I delivered a glancing blow to his right temple! I was a bit concerned I had messed things up but I gave the clinic a quick call this morning to check, and it will be fine.

So, anyone got anything for a stinking headache?

Home alone...with my thoughts

2007-04-06T18:05:00.000Z

We got up early and my other half went for a run and I cycled alongside him. I figured a gentle bike ride wouldn't do me any harm and it was nice to get some fresh air. My other half then went off to watch his beloved football team so he won't be back till late tonight.

I have mowed the lawn, (that will impress him!) read my book and sat in the conservatory in the sunshine. It has been great.

I have been thinking about our treatment but as my other half and my Mum and Dad have said we are doing all we can, so we can't do anymore and if it doesn't work then we have given it our best shot.

My friend text me this morning and said "Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. And I do believe there's gonna be a happy ending for you, it must be, because you're such a great, lovely, caring person that more than ever deserves it".....how lucky am I knowing I have people like this in my life?

So tonight, I am going to put my feet up, watch American Idol and sing like no one's listening (cat...get your ear plugs!!)

Sometimes life is tough

2007-04-05T10:15:00.000Z

Picture the scene, you and one of your closest friends talk for months about both of your desires to have children. She knows that you need IVF to conceive and she doesn’t have anything wrong fertility wise but doesn’t have a boyfriend…so you kind of feel in the same boat, with the clock ticking as you're both the wrong side of 35.

Starting in October 2006 we had our first IVF consultation, then spend months waiting for blood tests, doctors appointments, hospital appointments, results, sort out the cock up from the results, re-tests, results, more tests and treatment to start. Just as I am about to start my treatment I have a dream that she is pregnant and I sent her a text, she called, and told me she was - hey perhaps I am psychic and could earn millions...one way to fund the treatment!

I am genuinely pleased for her but what do I do if my cycle fails? Our babies would have been a similar age. What will it mean for our friendship? I feel bad that I can’t really celebrate her pregnancy and go with her every step of the way because I think it will hurt me too much at th moment. I know her dream would be for us to go through it together but I know our chances are slim.

This has happened to many of you out there before and I know I’ll be ok, it’s probably just a shock at the moment. It could even be the drugs that are making me upset, but the question that keeps coming back to me is why does life have to be so tough sometimes?

The ribbon has been cut and my body is officially open for IVF business

2007-04-03T19:13:00.000Z

This morning I woke up at about 4 a.m. and so hoped my mind wouldn't start running at 100 m.p.h which would stop me sleeping again. I did get a few more hours so thankfully didn't feel too shattered when I got up.

I had to go into the office straight after the hospital appointment so I put my work suit on with a pink blouse (somehow thinking that pink may bring pink lines later on in the journey). I also carefully selected my perfume and decided to wear 'Woman'. I am not normally superstitious but it just felt right to try to do every little thing I could.

We arrived at the hospital and one of the first things I noticed were the photos on the walls of what were obviously success babies - it made my heart melt. I noticed there was a lot of twins and triplets and had a quick glance at 'my other half' to check he hadn't gone pale or worse still passed out!

We were seen by a lovely lady called Jane. She talked us through all the Buserelin injections then it was time for me to inject myself. Now needles don't bother me, but there's something strange about injecting yourself. So with as steady hand a I could I injected it into my tummy.....it was quite easy. I itched like mad after but we were told that's normal.

She also told me to do everything in moderation, just like you all said, and also to take 75mg of aspirin each day as well as the folic acid. She said that research had shown that aspirin can help the embryos 'take' and it has proven to be useful for women that have had repeated miscarriages.

We go back on the 24th April for the first scan to see how things are doing and then if all goes to plan I will be having my egg collection around the 14th May. Its scary now that all of the dates are real.

So it was painless really, I went into work and tried to concentrate hard in the all day meeting I was in. My boss took me out of the meeting room as soon as I arrived to ask how I had got on. Its so nice that she is so supportive of what we're doing, it certainly helps that I know I can cancel anything in my diary, with her blessing, if I need to.

I came home with my big bag of goodies, excited that things have started and now counting the days till the first scan.

Thank you

2007-04-01T17:22:00.000Z

Just wanted to say a big thank you for the comments.

I know the support that I get from you will be invaluable, so needed to let you all know that you are life savers....well probably relationship savers as well because it will stop me making my 'other half's' ears bleed about every little thing that I am thinking or feeling! It's quite sweet actually because he's really interested in the comments I get.

We've had a lovely weekend, had some family round, then when they left this morning we went for a walk down the canal which runs by our house. It's been a really sunny day, so feeling good and positive about the week ahead.

Well, I'll say bye for now and update you more in a day or so. Smiles......

Girls....can you help me?

2007-03-29T11:45:00.000Z

As I have been babbling on about starting our treatment, I have forgotten to ask you more experienced IVFers for some advice. Can you help me out with this?

what should I be eating?, what should I not be eating?, should I be exercising? should I avoid exercise (not hard in my case!), we're going to be off the booze but is there anything I should or shouldn't be drinking?

5 more sleeps whahooo!...

La di da di da

2007-03-27T17:37:00.000Z

Gee...this waiting thing is hard, and I know its the first of many. Just can't wait till next Tuesday, just can't wait to try, even if it fails we will be making progress.

Signed us up for ballroom/latin dancing classes today, we start in a few weeks. We might even look quite groovy at our wedding next year. The classes are on a Friday night so it will help with the mission to cut down on alcohol. Only problem the village hall is next to the wine bar!

7 more sleeps....

Things to do to pass the time.....

2007-03-19T20:31:00.000Z

Saw this online and it made me smile.....

I present the infertility version of the shuffle game. What you do is set your music player to shuffle. Skip through your random playlist, and each consecutive song that comes up is the answer to the following questions in order

The song for the you that existed before you ever thought about your fertility:
I gotta try – Michael McDonald (I always wanted to try, just didn’t think it would be this way).

2. Would you really want to go back and be that person again?
Church of the poison mind – Culture club (obviously not!)

3. The song for when you first started fertility treatments:
Never know - Jack Johnson (ain’t that the truth)

4. What did infertility do to your sex life?
Young guns (go for it) - Wham (she smiles….)

5. What about superstitions and fertility rituals?
Upside Down - Diana Ross (I’ll try anything if it will have the remotest chance of working).

2 weeks tomorrow and we start the drugs....watch kettle and all that. Be back soon, when the good stuff starts.

Hopes and dreams start here.....

2007-03-14T22:29:00.000Z

I thought I would start this online diary so my nearest and dearest can check how I'm doing anytime they like.

The journey started today. I wonder where it will end, will it be tears of happiness or tears of despair? Today I start what I am lead to believe is one of the most difficult experiences a woman can go through.

Today we start our IVF journey.

It was day 1 today, which was a relief. Day 1 means you can call the centre and book your day 21 appointment. Day 21 is the day the drugs start.....what happens after that is a bit of a blur to be honest but I intend to take it one step at a time because the whole thing is a little too scary at the moment.

I can't help starting to dream and I know this is dangerous. I am hopeful optimist who's in touch with reality and the chances are this won't work.

So lets just keep everything crossed and hope for the best.