Yep, still here.....

It's been a while since I posted so thought I would update on how things are going.

I'm feeling much better, I think the daily crying stopped about a week and a half ago. I have started to think about other things and get a bit of my life back to normal.

I have kept myself busy with plans for our wedding. I have sorted the wedding cars, the flowers, the DVD man, the cake, so with everything else I had previously done, we are nearly ready to roll. I've started feeling excited about the day which I thought I might struggle. At first I couldn't get it out of my head that we were going ahead with the wedding because we failed at IVF #1 and #2, its hard to think of your wedding as second best but that's what I felt about it. I am in a much better place now and really can't wait till the big day. Oh, and we've booked our honeymoon....we're going to New Zealand for 3 and a half weeks, I'm so excited.

I also saw Mr A just over a week ago, to summarise this is the letter he sent me after the appointment:

Dear Becks,

It was a great pleasure to see you in my clinic today. You came through on 6 ampoules of Menopur and did really well. We got 6 eggs of which 5 were mature and injected and all 5 fertilised. 3 divided and 2 good quality embryos were transferred. The pregnancy test was initially faintly positive, but then turned negative. This is obviously a much better treatment cycle and I was encouraged by it and would now give you a 5 to 10 % chance per treatment cycle (previously 5%).....

So, he was happy with how things went and we have decided to try again as soon as possible, which hopefully means we can squeeze IVF #3 in before Christmas.

I also had the great pleasure of meeting up with Portia P (Desperate to Multiply) the other week. I had this idea in my head of what she was like......'an american blonde' and guess what? she's a gorgeous english brunette!! It was great to meet up and it was the first time I had met anyone that understood what it was like to walk in these uncomfortable shoes.....I could have talked all day.

Finally, a massive congratulations to Erin and Leah. I am so thrilled for you girls and I hope that the DHEA was the magic ingredient!

Still waiting for life to start

The very unwelcome visitor in red turned up today. At least my 5 extra days on death row was cut short. I won't need to go the hospital tomorrow, so again I am spared the extra agony.

I am upset that it didn't work, but I am trying to find the positives in this cycle. I think 'something right' happened and although neither sausage or mash made it, I do feel we have made some progress from last time.

Life seems a bit empty at the moment and I can't get interested in anything, I am going to see Mr A on Thursday to see where we go from here, the strange things is, I'm not even interested in that at the moment. I know it will pass...it will just take some time.

Thanks for all the support.....whether you are waiting, hoping, crying or celebrating, I wish you well.

She said what?!*

I joined a newly formed club today, it's called the 'Maybe Pregnant Club'. Yes, you read it right, I might be pregnant......what?!!!*

How can anyone be 'Maybe Pregnant'? You either are or your not. To me it's a bit like being alive, you either are or your not.

But it seems I have been awkward yet again and got them scratching their heads at the hospital. The test was inconclusive. They do a more sophisticated version of the pee stick test (no blood tests at my clinic) and there was a really really really faint line. I nearly fell of my chair, I couldn't say much as I was so aware of the aroma I was giving off from the over consumption of wine last night....oops.

She said something was going on as it wouldn't be the trigger shot still in my system and it would either carry on and be ok or would fade away. Apparently 50% of people go on to have a scan from this type of result, I'll take those odds thank you, considering my consultant said we had a 5% chance of IVF working for us.

I asked to keep the test, so I could show you all. By the time I got home, the test line seemed darker. It might not be easy to see but what do you think?

So, the rollercoaster continues and I go back on Monday for a repeat test. If anyone is looking for me over the next 5 days tell please them they'll find me camped in the toilet, overdosing on pregnancy tests, looking for my 'Maybe Baby'.

And The World Came Crashing Down

I did a HPT test this morning....negative.

The Day After Tomorrow

I feel much better now (9dp3dt). I still don't feel like this has worked but I feel like I am coming out of the tunnel and whichever way the road leads I am glad it is coming to an end. Just like IVF #1, I will be glad to have my life back, even if I have to face the heartache of another failure.

I had period pains on and off all day last Thursday (5dp3dt). I know that this probably means nothing, but in a way I was pleased something seemed to be happening. To put it into perspective, here's my current thinking:

• no symptoms can mean a positive
• symptoms can mean a positive
• no symptoms can mean a negative
• symptoms can mean a negative.

So it's a lottery as we all know.

The good news is that I will know in 48 hours. In 48 hours my world may come crashing down, in 48 hours I could be the happiest girl in the world.....which will it be?

P.S Little old me got another Rockin' Giril Blogger nomination today....yippeeee. Ahh, the world is not all that bad.