4dp3dt

I'm struggling today, let me explain why.

My IVF #1 2ww produced no symptoms, no cramps, no spotting, nothing that made me think it had worked. As you know it didn't work.

I am now 4 days post transfer (7 days post retrieval) and I am feeling exactly the same as last time. So my logic says it's not working.

I know that it is early, but I can't help this sinking feeling that has come over me today. There's so much at stake and it's all or nothing. IVF #2 proved we have an egg issue, I'm never going to spit out loads of eggs, so this is always going to difficult for us.

How do I get out of this state of mind?

3dp3dt

Nothing much to report here, have had a bit of tummy ache, twinges but nothing to hang my hat on. This whole thing is so messed up I am wishing for stomach cramps...how mad is that?

A quiet first day back at work after the long weekend, I have taken it relatively easy but boy does that make the time go slowly. I got a call today from a company who I contacted a few months ago about wedding cars, he was quizzing me about whether I had booked anyone for the wedding, I said no but we would get round to it sometime soon. I bet he has never spoken to such a vague bride to be before, I just hope I can call him in a week or so and tell him the wedding is postponed. The scary thing is I am going to know a week today whether I am pregnant, my clinic is more like a 10 day wait rather than 2 week wait, so before too long I am going to have my answer........SCARED!!!

On a separate note, I was over the moon today...why? because Sticky Bun nominated me as a rockin' girl blogger.

I think she got the wrong person because she said:

Becks is a thoughtful and honest writer, a world traveler, and the person who helped me really stop drinking coffee by being SO DAMN GOOD and giving it up cold turkey. I always enjoy her posts and am wishing with all my might that her little sausage and mash grab hold tight for a nice, long 9 month trip!

Thanks Sticky - you absolutely made my day!

Ok so I my turn to nominate now, this was not easy as there are so many to chose but these are people I really relate to in one way or another:

Twisted Ovaries - the first blog I ever came across and the reason I started mine. Despite being a fiercely private person, Vanessa writes with such openness, honesty and the magic ingredient, humour. Its like the blog version of a reality show, you just can't wait for the next installment. Now reaching the end of her pregnancy with the Lemonheads, I wish her loads of luck...hope we get to meet up one day.

Desperate to Multiply - I can really relate to Portia, we share similar 'obstacles' in our baby making journeys. I'm proud of the way she has dealt with her recent setback and admire her determination to reach the end goal. On top of that her culinary masterpieces are just mouthwatering to read about. We're hopefully meeting in London soon and I can't wait.

SingleTracey - What can I say about Tracey ? This whole IVF business is tough enough with a partner by your side but Tracey is doing this single handedly (Becks bows down in admiration). I love reading about her social life with her sister and family and I do hope her next round of IVF brings her success she deserves.

Ultimate Journey - What a roller coaster the last 6 months have been. The lows, which were very rough and now the highs and I am thrilled for her. She says exactly how she feels, good or bad and that makes her blog so interesting. I am so looking forward to reading about the very happy days ahead.

Precious Little- Carrie has had a heart breaking time recently and I want her to know how much she is thought of. Her posts are from the heart and I hope she finds the strength to carry on at some point in the future.

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That's all for now, I'm off to concentrate on getting stomach cramps.

Update: Sunny Jenny has just nominated me too - this is just TOO much...sniff. Gwyneth Paltrow has nothing on me! Oh and Portia thinks I rock too.

2dp3dt

The good thing about this weekend is it is a long one in the UK. Today is a Bank Holiday so we are all off work. I don't think I could have timed this cycle better, but as I had no control over it whatsoever, I won't take any credit.

I was thinking about Sausage and Mash and the fact that they are now at day 5. So if my limited embryo knowledge is correct, they could be making it to blastocyst stage today. I guess that means they need to grab a hold of some of my insides pretty soon if they want to take the 9 month ride? Does anyone know more about when implantation should happen?

I've spent the last 2 days mainly on my ar*e on the sofa, my Other Half has really looked after me. It's another day of the same today and then (hopefully) a quiet, short, week at work. I work from home so at least I can take it easy when I want to.

I am trying to be positive about Sausage and Mash.....I am hoping they are snuggling down for the long haul as I type.

And now we wait......

Transfer day yesterday. Despite the first session of acupuncture, I went to the hospital with my stomach in knots. It's a horrible situation, you really don't know what you are facing, would I still have 3 embryos? could I have lost them all because they wanted to wait till day 3? The scenarios were endless and agonising.

Well, 1 of them didn't carry on dividing but the other 2 were fine. We had a Grade 2 (4 cell) and a Grade 2/3 (6 cell) - the Grade 2/3 had obviously put a spurt on as it was a 2 cell the day before. I asked the embryologist about the Grade 2 as I thought it should have been a 6 cell by day 3, but she said they were both in the 'normal' range and was happy with them. Apparently, they can divide too quickly as well....I should have expected that there was never an easy answer to all of this.

Mr A was there in his jeans and t-shirt..he just makes you smile when you see him, he's such a nice man. He didn't do my transfer last time as he was away and I just made it this time as he's flying out to Sweden on holiday today. Anyway, he said transfer went really well, in fact he said it was so easy "I could come again"......please forgive me if I decline your kind offer!

I've named the 2 passengers on board.....sausage and mash. Nothing more creative than nurse Gill called one of my large follicles a "sausage", and I do love sausage and mash!

We've done all we can now, we can only just sit and hope.

Fertilisation Report Number 2

Next update....3 out of the 5 divided. Good? Bad? Not sure but I do feel a little deflated. There is 1 Grade 2 and 2 Grade 2/3, so we won't be able to freeze anything as they wont freeze anything less than a Grade 1.

So now it's the tense wait of whether they survive another night. I just want 2 of them on board instead of them being in the laboratory.

My transfer is at 10.15 a.m tomorrow morning, so I'm meeting my acupuncturist there at 9.15 to have a session before and after transfer. Let's hope it does the trick.

Can someone give me any positives to cling onto??

Fertilisation Report

Thankfully the embryologist called me at 9.30 a.m so I didnt have time to rip the heads off inncoent people who should have somehow known I was waiting for a life or death call (well in my book anyway).

Anyway of the 6 eggs, 1 wasn't suitable, but the other 5 fertilised! I am pleased to say the least. I know there's still so far to go but we have more than a 100% improvement on last time, which gave us 2 fertilised at this point. My clinic does a day 2 transfer for low numbers of fertilised eggs but if there's more to play with they leave them till day 3. So today we have graduated to the day 3 club...how grown up do I feel?

They will call me again tomorow and let me know how they have progressed. Last time one didnt make it overnight so I am realistic enough to know that they might not all make it but I am hoping that we might have at least 2 for transfer on Saturday.

Ohhh it's all stomach churning stuff...

So so.....

Retrieval day today, it was quite different than last time, I was in the proper operating theatre rather than the room in the fertility part of the hospital. When I got back to my room they hadn't called my Other Half to 'do his stuff' and that stressed me out as he went off at the same time as me last time. Well that got sorted when he went to ask what was going on.

So the outcome was 6 eggs. If I am honest I'm a bit disappointed. I suppose I should think that a 50% improvement on last time is good, but my thoughts are that there are bound to be some that can't be used, like last time, so there's not much to play with. Mr A also told my Other Half that it was difficult to get the eggs out so I started worrying that they might have been damaged. I didn't see him after collection, or else I would have had him pinned to the wall asking a million questions, so I sent him a text a few hours later to ask about the difficulties, he replied saying there was nothing to worry about.

I got home a few hours ago and have spent the afternoon drifting in and out of sleep, I feel ok, I guess I would say I am a just a bit flat emotionally.

I'll get a call about fertilisation tomorrow, lets hope we get something to transfer. Oh and I forgot how much I missed the progesterone pessaries....nice.

We're gonna cuddle up in front of the tv tonight and watch the England v Germany football match, hopefully it will take my mind off things.

Final Numbers

Ok here we go, I'm ready for trigger. The scan today showed the following:

R - 23 x 21
R - 25 x 13
R - 15 x 15
R - 11 x 10

L - 21 x 16
L - 19 x 17
L - 18 x 19
L - 23 x 13
L - 18 x 17
L - 16 x 10
L - 11 x 10
L - 11 x 10

I'm not too sure what to think really and could easily tie myself in knots wondering how many eggs I might get. I just want to do better than last time and that brought 4 eggs from 7 follicles, but I wonder how I will feel if I only get 4 or 5?

Damn those expectiations, giving me hope.

Trigger in one hour with collection at 7.45 am (UK time) on Wednesday.

Thanks for all the support..think I'd go insane otherwise.

Day 12

Got back from my Day 12 scan, amazingly all is fine. My follicle sizes are:

R - 13 x 9
R - 26 x 11 (the sausage as nurse Gill called it!)
R - 19 x 18
R - 11 x 7
L - 20 x 13
L - 16 x 16
L - 21 x 14
L - 23 x 10
L - 11 x 11
L - 15 x 18
L - 8

Lining is 7 (so 14mm).

I was scheduled to trigger tonight but Gill wants me to go one more day to see if they grow a bit more. So back tomorrow afternoon for another scan.

Please please can I have 2 healthy embryos to put back........

When is ‘enough’?

From what I have read from others blogs, it’s a pretty natural reaction to reject all things related to infertility if a cycle fails. That certainly happened to me when IVF/ICSI #1 failed, I didn’t want to read anything related to infertility and that stretched into the feeling that I needed to distance myself from my blog for a while.

Just before #1 failed I had started to read a book called ‘Making Babies The Hard Way by Caroline Gallup. It tells the real life story of a couple who meet well into their 30’s and decide they want to start a family. I got through about a third of the book before I just ‘lost interest’ after our failure.

I started reading it again the other day and in fact finished it this morning and the ending to the book started me thinking (if you want to or intend to read the book don’t carry on reading as I don’t want to spoil it for you).

The couple discovered that the man had azoospermia, so moved onto donor sperm. With the donor sperm they tried a total of 3 IUI’s (tablets and then injections) and they didn’t manage to get pregnant. They were toying with the idea of IVF but decided enough was enough…..and it was this part that fascinated me.

When is ‘enough’?

In a way I was wishing that she would try just one IVF, but then I realised that she had already pushed the boundaries of where she wanted to be, she never wanted to inject, yet she ended up trying it.

I guess it made me realise that everyone’s final boundaries are different and in a way it makes me envious that she knew where to draw the line. I know I would do anything (medical wise) to try to have a baby and therefore how will I know where my boundaries are? Will I find it difficult to say ‘enough is enough’?

The last paragraph in the book really hit home, it says:

“At some point, you have to decide how much is enough for you. Will you continue until you have a baby, or will you stop, re-assess, look inside each other’s souls and give each other permission to call it a day? Do as much as you want to, while you have the time. Might the right choice for you. Make it together and make it with love.”

I can only guess you just know in your heart when it’s time to move on.

Birthdays and thoughts

Ok, now I need to tap into your vast knowledge of follicle growth/egg production. Have a look at my follicle sizes from my Day 8 scan below and tell me how many eggs you think I might be looking at when I (hopefully) go for collection next week?

Now, I know you are not all professionally qualified (well at least not on paper anyway) but I was just wondering if you might be able to have a guess. Oh and lets presume each follicle produces an egg to make it simpler. I think I am mainly trying to figure if the smaller follicles have enough time to grow before retrieval. I am guessing not, but I wanted a second opinion.

Anyway, its Friday and its also my Other Half's birthday today. So I am taking him out for dinner to a new restaurant in the village where we live. Thankfully, we can enjoy it knowing we are (as far as we know) on track.


Have a fabulous weekend everyone and I'll update you on Sunday with the results of the Day 12 scan.

Smiling

Thanks for all the wishes you made...they worked.....I am on track!!!!

Last time, on my Day 8 scan, I had 5 tiny follicles that couldn't be measured. This time, I've got the following:

R - 11 x 8
R - 13 x 8
R - 6
R - 7
L - 9 x 8
L - 11 x 9
L - 11 x 9
L - 12 x 11
L - 11 x 10
L - 5
L - 7

I guess the smaller one's may not get to the right size, but 7 measurable one's is a much better response than last time. My lining is 5mm, which they measure in half measures so at 10mm it is good (so nurse Gill told me).

I am so relieved, I know this may not mean it will work but to improve gives me hope for the future. I go back for my Day 12 scan on Sunday and if all is on track I will trigger Sunday for collection on Tuesday.

So this time, no 15 days of stims, no tears after Day 8, no more expensive drugs to buy to get me through extra days, no more extra acupuncture to pay for. Happy...that's me.

Oh, just want to say Happy Birthday to Ultimate Journey....your next one will be as a Mum!!

Apprehension

Things I am unlikely to hear at my first stim scan on Wednesday:

• Blimey......I think you are overstimulating!
• Wow, you have twice as many follicles as last time
• You're looking like you'll get 10 eggs instead of the measly 4 you got on IVF#1
• Fantastic, you are right on track, see you on Sunday for your day 12 scan

I am not feeling much in the way of ovary response to the drugs, I think it was day 8 last time when I felt the first twinge (today is day 6). I have felt little twinges but they have been so slight that it really could just be my mind playing tricks on me.

I am dreading the scan. I keep looking at my work diary and wondering if I will be an absolute mess when I have meetings on Thursday and Friday. I think about the weekend and wonder if I will be happy or not. It's my Other Half's birthday on Friday, and I would love us to be really pleased with the way things are going.

I just want to have a better response than last time. I would just be so pleased with 2 embryos to transfer....make a wish for me.

Eye boggling

Geez louise.......all this for one days injections!!

The lengths you will go to, to try to be a mum!*!

Had my second acu appointment yesterday. I felt so silly with a needle between my eyes. Anyway, she was attempting to stimulate my follicles, using needles and something called a Moxa stick, which is used to stimulate acupuncture points. It's like a black cigar which you light and then it turns into a glow. I have brought some home, so I will have a go at waving that around my bits tonight. Knowing me I'll set my pants on fire!

Oh, and I can't believe it's been over 3 months since I had a cup of coffee. It's been ok really, the hardest part was at the beginning, but I find I don't even think about it now....but don't you worry, if I ever have a baby or just decide to give up trying, I'll be straight down to Starbucks for the biggest latte they make!!

It's the start of the football season in the UK tomorrow, I am so excited. So I intend to take it easy and watch hours of games - we can't wait.

Have a good weekend everyone....

Over the first hurdle

It was my baseline scan today. I had nurse 'Whirlwind Gill' again but for a change she had lots of time to talk to me. We talked about my failed first cycle and what might be different this time.....fingers crossed.

Anyway the scan was fine. My lining was thin and my ovaries were fine. She said that the clinic was starting to look at antral follicle counts and she said she could see them on each ovary, I am a bit naive in this area so I didn't ask her how many. Plus she suggested that it new to them so I didn't push it.

So tonight I start stims...maximum dose of Menopur....whaheyy, go big guns! Day 8 scan next Wednesday, which makes my stomach turn at the thought of it. The day 8 scan was where it went horribly wrong last time. My poor response could have been a one-off but if it repeats again we have ourselves a pattern girls, which is not good news for my long term chance of having a baby, so lets just say I am hoping things will be much better this time.

Tomorrow is my second acupuncture appointment. The first one went really well and I walked out of the place feeling like I was walking on air. Tomorrow she is going to try to make my lazy ovaries behave and do some hard work for a change.

Wish me luck!!

Late night antics

I have a few rituals with my cat, Millie, one of which is the bedtime routine.

She will hear the tv being turned off and will come bounding down the stairs to remind me that I need to get her bedtime treat......3 biscuits. We then go upstairs, she always has to beat me, she jumps on our bed and meows for her treats.

So there we were last night, you know how it goes....tv went off, she came in, I got the biscuits, and off we went. She was on the bed before I knew it and was pawing my hand eagerly. I reached in my pocket for the treats and she greedily snatched the first one.

She always gobbles them down, seeming never to take a breath, but last night she took the first one and jumped off the bed, to eat it at a slower pace. I looked down at her, wondering what she was doing and at the same time I looked down in my hand to see, in the dim light of the room, I still had 3 treats!!!

So guess what I had given my gorgeous cat as a bedtime treat?.......the plastic cap that you take off the down reg drugs when you open the bottle!

See.....IVF touches all members of the family!!


P.S she wasn't impressed!