We had our appointment at the hospital this morning and just as we thought they confirmed it was a definite negative, so no surprises there. The nurse was really helpful with advice and guidance and we even had a laugh at the end of the conversation - bet she's not used to that after a negative.
I drove home alone as my Other Half went off to get the train to London. As I was driving along I felt the overwhelming urge to go to see my friend. She found out she was pregnant just as I started my treatment and we haven't seen each other since then, mainly because I needed to retreat into my hole until the cycle was over. Well, as the treatment was over, I felt it was time to move on and start to get involved and enjoy her pregnancy.
I turned up unannounced and her other half answered the door, I haven't met him before (long story), but I asked if J was in and he just turned and walked into the house without saying much. J was on the phone but told me to go into the kitchen for a drink and she would be with me soon.
She came in and asked if I had good news for her, I just handed her my leaflet from the hospital, entitled 'Advice following unsuccessful treatment cycle'. She looked at me and said sorry then said "Looks like we're in it together, the baby is poorly". I was stunned.
She found out yesterday following scans and CVS results that her baby has Downs Syndrome. They will say their goodbyes tomorrow.
We hugged, we cried and said we can support each other.
It just makes me realise that its never over till the healthy baby appears. It's also really put my situation into perspective, my situation is disappointing, hers is devastating, so its time for me to be the greatest friend I can be.
I'm seeing Mr A later today about our next steps and will update soon after that. For now I feel sad, but not for me.
Love you J xx
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
April/May 2007 Report Card
'Must do better' was the summary of my IVF #1 performance.
I have a hospital appointment in the morning to do my pregnancy test but in order to be prepared I did my own test this morning. It seems the little fighter ran out of steam and couldn't make it to the end. Not surprising really considering the battle he had to get to be an embryo in the first place.
I'm really fine about it. It was what I was expecting and a part of me is glad I know one way or another. It means I can get my life back and get on with stage 2.
I always thought this first try was a trial and I am sure Mr A (my consultant) will be better informed now he knows much more about our situation/response, so hopefully next time will be a real go.
I've been thinking about people who have had months and years of trying to conceive and when they get to IVF it must be a massive blow if it fails first time. I'm slightly different. I never met anyone I wanted to have children with, so never tried to have a baby before, and when my Other Half and I decided to have children we already knew it was IVF or nothing for us. So I just see this as hiccup number 1 rather than last chance number 1.
Mr A's secretary has been a star - despite breaking her arm last week, this morning she booked me a follow up appointment with him to discuss next steps. So it's off to the hospital in the morning to get the official pregnancy test done and then in the afternoon I go to see Mr A, with my long list of questions.
What do they say the definition of insanity is? Oh yes, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Guess that means I am insane after all!!
I have a hospital appointment in the morning to do my pregnancy test but in order to be prepared I did my own test this morning. It seems the little fighter ran out of steam and couldn't make it to the end. Not surprising really considering the battle he had to get to be an embryo in the first place.
I'm really fine about it. It was what I was expecting and a part of me is glad I know one way or another. It means I can get my life back and get on with stage 2.
I always thought this first try was a trial and I am sure Mr A (my consultant) will be better informed now he knows much more about our situation/response, so hopefully next time will be a real go.
I've been thinking about people who have had months and years of trying to conceive and when they get to IVF it must be a massive blow if it fails first time. I'm slightly different. I never met anyone I wanted to have children with, so never tried to have a baby before, and when my Other Half and I decided to have children we already knew it was IVF or nothing for us. So I just see this as hiccup number 1 rather than last chance number 1.
Mr A's secretary has been a star - despite breaking her arm last week, this morning she booked me a follow up appointment with him to discuss next steps. So it's off to the hospital in the morning to get the official pregnancy test done and then in the afternoon I go to see Mr A, with my long list of questions.
What do they say the definition of insanity is? Oh yes, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Guess that means I am insane after all!!
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Hi everyone - I'm back
Oohh what a lovely break.
Spent most of the week with my feet up, reading books. It's years since I have been able to do that. Do you know what? for the first time in months I stopped thinking about all this infertility stuff. I can't lie and say it hasn't crossed my mind whether this cycle has worked, but for once, it has not been ruling me. I felt like my life was back. This may sounds strange but I have been a little scared to get back online as I don't want it all to consume me again and blogging does that. Anyway, I managed nearly 24 hours, then just had to peek.
So what else has been going on? not a lot really. Definitely don't feel pregnant and I am absolutely convinced I am not. Don't know why, but I feel like I know. In a way when we went away I felt like this cycle ended - there were no more injections, no more hospital procedures, just everything down to mother nature, so in a way I have preparing for 'the real end'. On top of all that, it was the most pathetic of every cycle known to man and we fell over the finish line, so my expectations are nil. Therefore, I don't feel I have far to fall if it's bad news.
As far as symptoms go, the only thing I have is sore boobs and that could just be the usual monthly aches and pains.
Next week is the big week. We don't have a beta in the UK, we just have a normal pregnancy test. So don't worry, if I get bad news, I won't be distraught, as it is the only thing I am expecting.
Right I'm off to catch up on all your news......
Spent most of the week with my feet up, reading books. It's years since I have been able to do that. Do you know what? for the first time in months I stopped thinking about all this infertility stuff. I can't lie and say it hasn't crossed my mind whether this cycle has worked, but for once, it has not been ruling me. I felt like my life was back. This may sounds strange but I have been a little scared to get back online as I don't want it all to consume me again and blogging does that. Anyway, I managed nearly 24 hours, then just had to peek.
So what else has been going on? not a lot really. Definitely don't feel pregnant and I am absolutely convinced I am not. Don't know why, but I feel like I know. In a way when we went away I felt like this cycle ended - there were no more injections, no more hospital procedures, just everything down to mother nature, so in a way I have preparing for 'the real end'. On top of all that, it was the most pathetic of every cycle known to man and we fell over the finish line, so my expectations are nil. Therefore, I don't feel I have far to fall if it's bad news.
As far as symptoms go, the only thing I have is sore boobs and that could just be the usual monthly aches and pains.
Next week is the big week. We don't have a beta in the UK, we just have a normal pregnancy test. So don't worry, if I get bad news, I won't be distraught, as it is the only thing I am expecting.
Right I'm off to catch up on all your news......
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Quick Update
Back from transfer.
One of the little ones didn't make it overnight as it didn't divide normally. But the one other little fighter made it to 4 cells. They graded is 2/3 so although I haven't got the best chance in the world, lets just hope this little one is determined to stick around despite all obstacles that have been put in it's way.
Held my fertility stone all the way through transfer.....hope it works.
One of the little ones didn't make it overnight as it didn't divide normally. But the one other little fighter made it to 4 cells. They graded is 2/3 so although I haven't got the best chance in the world, lets just hope this little one is determined to stick around despite all obstacles that have been put in it's way.
Held my fertility stone all the way through transfer.....hope it works.
Friday, May 18, 2007
It's time for a break
I always intended to get away for a while during this treatment, its been tough both physically and mentally and I think it is time for a break.On Sunday, we are going to a Welsh seaside village called Criccieth. My Mum grew up there and I have many happy childhood memories of holidays there, playing on the beach, walking the dogs, riding my bike...all the things a young girl does with her family.
Its a great place to just relax and unwind. The picture I have attached is more or less the view we have from where we stay.
I am so looking forward to the fresh air, reading a book or two, spending time with my Other Half and visiting my Granny who will be 90 this year.
Do you know what else I will be doing?........
Trying to grow a baby. Of my 4 eggs 2 were suitable for ICSI. 100% fertilisation....I cried (happy) buckets. Transferring 2 embies at 8 a.m. tomorrow.....gobsmacked.
Back next weekend x
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Wide eyed and eggless
I'm back.
A bit weary and tender but alive and kicking. I've spent most of today dozing on the sofa, catching up with Desperate Housewives......beats work any day.
Well, he got 4 eggs....not a massive haul, but then again I was expecting zilch. My worst case scenario was that he got nothing and told me I would never have children and my best case scenario was that he would miraculously get 20 eggs, but I knew that was asking a bit too much. So I'll take 4 thank you very much.
I am not too sure of the quality, but Mr A's secretary called me about an hour ago to see how I was (bless her) and said she had already text and emailed him to ask how it went. When/if she hears from him she'll let me know if he gives her any inside information.
They will call me before 11 a.m.tomorrow and let me know the fertilisation report....my tummy does somersaults at the thought of 'the call'. I just want one....please, just one will do.
So tonight I am going to glue myself to the sofa and watch more trashy tv to keep me occupied.
Catch up with you tomorrow.
P.S When I woke up from the anaesthetic, I was rambling on about 4 empty vial bottles I needed to get rid of in my bag....what a lie...I haven't got a single one!
A bit weary and tender but alive and kicking. I've spent most of today dozing on the sofa, catching up with Desperate Housewives......beats work any day.
Well, he got 4 eggs....not a massive haul, but then again I was expecting zilch. My worst case scenario was that he got nothing and told me I would never have children and my best case scenario was that he would miraculously get 20 eggs, but I knew that was asking a bit too much. So I'll take 4 thank you very much.
I am not too sure of the quality, but Mr A's secretary called me about an hour ago to see how I was (bless her) and said she had already text and emailed him to ask how it went. When/if she hears from him she'll let me know if he gives her any inside information.
They will call me before 11 a.m.tomorrow and let me know the fertilisation report....my tummy does somersaults at the thought of 'the call'. I just want one....please, just one will do.
So tonight I am going to glue myself to the sofa and watch more trashy tv to keep me occupied.
Catch up with you tomorrow.
P.S When I woke up from the anaesthetic, I was rambling on about 4 empty vial bottles I needed to get rid of in my bag....what a lie...I haven't got a single one!
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Superstition gone mad?
As I mentioned in my ‘I AM’ post, my best friend is Polish, she’s been in England for a few years now but regularly goes back to see her family in Kielce. I spent New Years Eve 2005 there, and I loved it……funny stories of her Other Half being sick in the snow (too much NYE frivolity)….but that’s a story for another day.
Anyway, she went to Poland at Easter as she needed emergency dental treatment (and the English dental system is not great) so she flew back to get things sorted.
Now Easter is a big celebration in Poland, it’s on a par with Christmas in some respects and one of the features are painted eggs which the families make themselves. These 'pisanki' are an essential part of the Polish Easter table, and on Easter Saturday, families dressed in their best glad rags will take little baskets to church, complete with the pisanki eggs and many other traditional Easter symbols.
The baskets are then blessed in the church a custom known as 'swiecone' (literally 'blessed')
Anyway, she went to Poland at Easter as she needed emergency dental treatment (and the English dental system is not great) so she flew back to get things sorted.
Now Easter is a big celebration in Poland, it’s on a par with Christmas in some respects and one of the features are painted eggs which the families make themselves. These 'pisanki' are an essential part of the Polish Easter table, and on Easter Saturday, families dressed in their best glad rags will take little baskets to church, complete with the pisanki eggs and many other traditional Easter symbols.
The baskets are then blessed in the church a custom known as 'swiecone' (literally 'blessed')
Easter Sunday revolves around the home, and food that was blessed in church the previous day is consumed in an elaborate extended family breakfast, often involving a dash of alcohol! Whayhey I'm up for that!
Anyway, my friend beautifully decorated some eggs for me, took them to the church, had them blessed and then brought them back to England for me. How sweet is she?
So ever since they arrived, I have kept them in my medical bag (in a protective box of course) and they have made every one of the trips to the hospital.
Since Tuesday they have a new playmate. Lara, kindly sent me a great fertility stone as part of the Braces Bunch fun. Lara mentioned that the reiki master that blessed the stones said that anything egg shaped is also good for fertility. Get boiling some eggs girls and wear them as necklaces, it might look strange but who cares?! :-)
So tonight I am going to pack my hospital bag and all my special good luck charms....I do hope they will bring us some luck in this stuttering cycle.
Anyway, my friend beautifully decorated some eggs for me, took them to the church, had them blessed and then brought them back to England for me. How sweet is she?
So ever since they arrived, I have kept them in my medical bag (in a protective box of course) and they have made every one of the trips to the hospital.
Since Tuesday they have a new playmate. Lara, kindly sent me a great fertility stone as part of the Braces Bunch fun. Lara mentioned that the reiki master that blessed the stones said that anything egg shaped is also good for fertility. Get boiling some eggs girls and wear them as necklaces, it might look strange but who cares?! :-)
So tonight I am going to pack my hospital bag and all my special good luck charms....I do hope they will bring us some luck in this stuttering cycle.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Here goes everything
Scan 156 at the hospital today, well at least it felt like it.
Everything is ready to roll. No more worries about cancellations, the head rest is locked securely in place, countdown has begun and we can't get off this rollercoaster now...and as you know I am not a fan of rollercoasters, but this one I am willing to ride.
Here are the latest stats:
right follie 1 (fred) - was 18 by 16 now 26 by 18
right follie 2 (frank) - was 17 by 16 now 19 by 20
right follie 3 (felix) - was 11 by 8 now 10 (?*!) by 9
little right gatecrasher - 9 by 5
left follie 1 (francesca) - was 16 by 14 now 18 by 15
left follie 2 (farah) - was 14 by 10 17 by 13
little left gatecrasher - 8 by 8
So tonight I have triggered and retrieval is scheduled for 7.15 a.m. on Thursday. Whirlwind Jill kept saying that I need to keep in mind that there might not be any eggs, that the eggs might not be suitable for ICSI, that the eggs might not fertilise and that there might not be any embryos to put back, oh and we don't think there will be any freezing options afterwards...but do you know what? at this point I will take even the smallest of odds.
Mr A's secretary called me today too (after I text with an update) and she is going to let him know I am scheduled in for Thursday....I feel like a V.I.P!
Will try to update after retrieval...but for now I am closing my eyes, standing on the edge and stepping out......
Everything is ready to roll. No more worries about cancellations, the head rest is locked securely in place, countdown has begun and we can't get off this rollercoaster now...and as you know I am not a fan of rollercoasters, but this one I am willing to ride.
Here are the latest stats:
right follie 1 (fred) - was 18 by 16 now 26 by 18
right follie 2 (frank) - was 17 by 16 now 19 by 20
right follie 3 (felix) - was 11 by 8 now 10 (?*!) by 9
little right gatecrasher - 9 by 5
left follie 1 (francesca) - was 16 by 14 now 18 by 15
left follie 2 (farah) - was 14 by 10 17 by 13
little left gatecrasher - 8 by 8
So tonight I have triggered and retrieval is scheduled for 7.15 a.m. on Thursday. Whirlwind Jill kept saying that I need to keep in mind that there might not be any eggs, that the eggs might not be suitable for ICSI, that the eggs might not fertilise and that there might not be any embryos to put back, oh and we don't think there will be any freezing options afterwards...but do you know what? at this point I will take even the smallest of odds.
Mr A's secretary called me today too (after I text with an update) and she is going to let him know I am scheduled in for Thursday....I feel like a V.I.P!
Will try to update after retrieval...but for now I am closing my eyes, standing on the edge and stepping out......
Monday, May 14, 2007
Five For Fighting
I feel like I should have a named parking space at the hospital at the moment. When I walk into reception and they all turn and smile and say "hi" you know you've been inducted into the fertility hall of fame....well it should be hall of shame considering how much time you have to spend with your lady garden on show!
Today was the latest scan to see how the 5 fighting follies are doing (day 14 of stims....gee I have staying power). Well, the little sweethearts didn't let me down. For those of you who understand all of this mumbojumbo here's the stats:
right follie 1 (fred) - 18 by 16
right follie 2 (frank) - 17 by 16
right follie 3 (felix) - 11 by 8
left follie 1 (francesca) - 16 by 14
left follie 2 (farah) - 14 by 10
(Boys and girls follies kept in separate rooms to avoid premature shenanighans)
Myendometrium lining (see I'm learning) is 15mm which Whirlwind Jill said was splendid. Bring it on....something I seem to be good at.
So what's next?
They would like my smaller ones to catch up a little so the plan is I go back in the morning to see how things are brewing. If the bigger ones can't wait another day then I go for retrieval on Thursday, if they can wait, then it will be Friday*
Oh and Jill gave me a picture of my scan - now I know I'm being silly as it only resembles a bad tv screen, but I was so excited to get 'one of those' pictures in my sticky little mitts....maybe one day I will get a proper grown up one.
*Egg retrieval is not 100% certain yet, but things look far more positive than last week.
Today was the latest scan to see how the 5 fighting follies are doing (day 14 of stims....gee I have staying power). Well, the little sweethearts didn't let me down. For those of you who understand all of this mumbojumbo here's the stats:
right follie 1 (fred) - 18 by 16
right follie 2 (frank) - 17 by 16
right follie 3 (felix) - 11 by 8
left follie 1 (francesca) - 16 by 14
left follie 2 (farah) - 14 by 10
(Boys and girls follies kept in separate rooms to avoid premature shenanighans)
My
So what's next?
They would like my smaller ones to catch up a little so the plan is I go back in the morning to see how things are brewing. If the bigger ones can't wait another day then I go for retrieval on Thursday, if they can wait, then it will be Friday*
Oh and Jill gave me a picture of my scan - now I know I'm being silly as it only resembles a bad tv screen, but I was so excited to get 'one of those' pictures in my sticky little mitts....maybe one day I will get a proper grown up one.
*Egg retrieval is not 100% certain yet, but things look far more positive than last week.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
I Am
Whoohoo, I have been tagged by Sticky Bun to play the ‘I Am’ game.
I did try to write it in verse but realised quickly that ‘I am…not a poet!’, so here are my random thoughts.
I am in the process of doing up our new house…so much to do
I am my 8 year old nephews biggest fan, even though he’s going off kisses!
I am a bride to be….1st February next year
I am the best friend of a polish woman
I am an ex womens footballer who is mad about the English game
I am a thinker, sometimes far too much
I am too soft on my beloved cat, Millie, she sleeps under the covers next to me
I am lucky to be able to work from home
I am desperately missing wine and coffee
I am a Simon Cowell fan (I know I should be seeking therapy for this!)
I am scared of letting people down
I am mad about holidays - going to Russia in July and New Zealand for our honeymoon
I am ready to be a mum, just don’t know when it will be
I am a fan of scuba diving but petrified of rollercoasters
I am self aware and very self critical
I am a book reader, currently reading ‘Lovely Bones’ by Alice Sebold
I am a passionate believer of good manners and respect
I am the apple of my Mum and Dad’s eye and a fabulous sister ;-) (they read my blog!)
I am lacking in self confidence yet the world doesn’t know
I am becoming more aware of the environment and try to recycle and save energy as much as possible
I am old romantic at heart (it figures being a Barry fan) and love to be romanced
I am a perfectionist who sometimes loses interest
I am a control freak…just you dare try to get the remote control from me!
Ok, so I now need to tag 5 other bloggers so they can join the ‘I Am’ game - can’t wait to read them…but if you’ve been tagged already, ignore me.
Singletracy (Baby Steps)
Ultimate Journey (Still Trying After All Those Pills)
Sunny Jenny (A Journey Through Infertility)
Aunt Sassy (Rotten Eggs)
Carrie (Carriepreciouslittle)
I did try to write it in verse but realised quickly that ‘I am…not a poet!’, so here are my random thoughts.
I am in the process of doing up our new house…so much to do
I am my 8 year old nephews biggest fan, even though he’s going off kisses!
I am a bride to be….1st February next year
I am the best friend of a polish woman
I am an ex womens footballer who is mad about the English game
I am a thinker, sometimes far too much
I am too soft on my beloved cat, Millie, she sleeps under the covers next to me
I am lucky to be able to work from home
I am desperately missing wine and coffee
I am a Simon Cowell fan (I know I should be seeking therapy for this!)
I am scared of letting people down
I am mad about holidays - going to Russia in July and New Zealand for our honeymoon
I am ready to be a mum, just don’t know when it will be
I am a fan of scuba diving but petrified of rollercoasters
I am self aware and very self critical
I am a book reader, currently reading ‘Lovely Bones’ by Alice Sebold
I am a passionate believer of good manners and respect
I am the apple of my Mum and Dad’s eye and a fabulous sister ;-) (they read my blog!)
I am lacking in self confidence yet the world doesn’t know
I am becoming more aware of the environment and try to recycle and save energy as much as possible
I am old romantic at heart (it figures being a Barry fan) and love to be romanced
I am a perfectionist who sometimes loses interest
I am a control freak…just you dare try to get the remote control from me!
Ok, so I now need to tag 5 other bloggers so they can join the ‘I Am’ game - can’t wait to read them…but if you’ve been tagged already, ignore me.
Singletracy (Baby Steps)
Ultimate Journey (Still Trying After All Those Pills)
Sunny Jenny (A Journey Through Infertility)
Aunt Sassy (Rotten Eggs)
Carrie (Carriepreciouslittle)
Friday, May 11, 2007
Agony or pleasure?
Today was follow up appointment day to see how things were doing with the follicle growth. We were kept waiting at the hospital for 40 minutes by which time I was nearly climbing the walls, trying not to get stressed....nope didn't work.
Just before I started rocking backwards and forwards on my chair, humming to myself, the nurse (Whirlwind Gill) called my name. Off she sprinted to the exam room - this time I was determined not to be rushed in and out so we followed her at our pace....nice and relaxed (yeah right!).
She asked me how I had been, "Better" was all I could splutter out without crying. So off I stripped and then someone else came in the room, it was my favourite nurse 'Lovely Nurse Jane'. She asked Gill if she wanted her to write my notes up for her, I guess because they were so far behind.
So Gill says her usual 'Ok, a bit cold and some jelly' and off we went. Here's what the conversation went like:
Gill: the endemetrium looks good
Me (thinking): What the heck is that??*!
Gill: Ok Jane, I'll read them out
Jane: OK
Gill: looks like they have grown
Me (thinking): What the heck?!**!
Gill: 10 by 8, 14 by 10, 7 by 5, 10 by 8, 7 by 7
Me (thinking): sounds like measurements for wood in a DIY store
Jane: Good, we'll press on then
Me (looking like a goldfish, open mouthed): pardon?!*
Gill: Yes, I'll give you more Menopur to get your through to Monday, come back then and we'll see how things are going on, but looks as though we'll get to egg collection.
Me: errr, thanks very much.
Ok, don't laugh, I know my 5 follicles are ridiculously small, but hope is back, ready to fight another day. Lets hope my 5 little fighters are determined to see this thing through.
Stressed? check, but not as much as before. Shocked? double check. Surprised.....yep that's me.
Let's see what Monday brings....
P.S. Thanks for all the Barry love, now I know there's so many closet fans, I can admit to being in his fan club, seeing him in concert about 20 times and even going across the pond to see him in Vegas...ok enough now, I think I am getting giddy.
Just before I started rocking backwards and forwards on my chair, humming to myself, the nurse (Whirlwind Gill) called my name. Off she sprinted to the exam room - this time I was determined not to be rushed in and out so we followed her at our pace....nice and relaxed (yeah right!).
She asked me how I had been, "Better" was all I could splutter out without crying. So off I stripped and then someone else came in the room, it was my favourite nurse 'Lovely Nurse Jane'. She asked Gill if she wanted her to write my notes up for her, I guess because they were so far behind.
So Gill says her usual 'Ok, a bit cold and some jelly' and off we went. Here's what the conversation went like:
Gill: the endemetrium looks good
Me (thinking): What the heck is that??*!
Gill: Ok Jane, I'll read them out
Jane: OK
Gill: looks like they have grown
Me (thinking): What the heck?!**!
Gill: 10 by 8, 14 by 10, 7 by 5, 10 by 8, 7 by 7
Me (thinking): sounds like measurements for wood in a DIY store
Jane: Good, we'll press on then
Me (looking like a goldfish, open mouthed): pardon?!*
Gill: Yes, I'll give you more Menopur to get your through to Monday, come back then and we'll see how things are going on, but looks as though we'll get to egg collection.
Me: errr, thanks very much.
Ok, don't laugh, I know my 5 follicles are ridiculously small, but hope is back, ready to fight another day. Lets hope my 5 little fighters are determined to see this thing through.
Stressed? check, but not as much as before. Shocked? double check. Surprised.....yep that's me.
Let's see what Monday brings....
P.S. Thanks for all the Barry love, now I know there's so many closet fans, I can admit to being in his fan club, seeing him in concert about 20 times and even going across the pond to see him in Vegas...ok enough now, I think I am getting giddy.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Want to share my umbrella?
When I was very little (I think about about 4 or 5) I used to listen to the music my Dad played and for some unknown, strange reason I developed an obsession for Barry Manilow....I know, I know, its very weird and I just cant explain it, I just fell in the love with the 'big nosed one'. Even as an adult, I'm the same, but instead I celebrate it now rather than fighting it! Now I had no intentions of sharing this secret with you, for fear of losing readers, but something happened yesterday that made me think.
My Other Half and I went in separate cars to the hospital, as he had to go straight to his office in London after the appointment. We set off in plenty of time as I learnt from the last visit that it's no good for your stress levels to be late. The weather was fine when we left home but after a little while it started raining lightly on the windscreen. As we continued into the city, the rain became progressively heavier and heavier and by the time we approached the hospital, it was absolutely pelting down. It was that heavy I thought to myself 'I hope this is not sign of bad things to come'. It turned out it was.
I didn't think too much more about it until I spoke to my Mum and Dad last night. They had just arrived back from a week in Wales. Dad mentioned that after they had heard my news from the hospital, they were obviously upset for me and really did not feel much like driving the 3hr journey home. They got in the car and put on the radio......and the first note of Barry's song 'I Made It Through The Rain' came on. Dad turned to Mum and said 'I hope this song is an omen'.
So I think I will have this as my theme tune - here's a few of the lyrics. And for those of you currently getting rained on too, lets hope the shelter of the umbrella gets us through till the rain stops.
We dreamers have our ways
Of facing rainy days
And somehow we survive
We keep the feelings warm
Protect them from the storm
Until our time arrives
Then one day the sun appears
And we come shining through those lonely years
I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it through the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain
And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through
When friends are hard to find
And life seems so unkind
Sometimes you feel so afraid
Just aim beyond the clouds
And rise above the crowds
And start your own parade'
Cause when I chased my fears away
That's when I knew that I could finally say
I made it through the rain.......
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
A glimmer of hope
Mr A's secretary called me about an hour ago. She apologised for it being later than she hoped but had just managed to speak to him.
His advice was that at this stage, there is no benefit in increasing the dosage, it just won't make any difference. My heart sank.
Then came the slightly better news.....she explained to Mr A that I didn't want to have to wait months to try again (depending on periods etc etc). So he has said that if the scan on Friday shows that this treatment need cancelling then I must tell the nurse that he has said I should stay on the down regulating injections but stop stims, then in 2 or 3 weeks, I can start a higher dose of the stims again. Pheww, I had visions of it being August or later before I could go again.
He said that they like people to wait a while before starting again so they can process the loss, which is why I don't have to wait as I will have been stopped before I've really begun.
So I'm telling myself that even if its bad news on Fri then the cycle is just delayed rather than cancelled. In the meantime, I am trying to convince myself that the twinges I have been having since yesterday are the fattest follicles in the world.
His advice was that at this stage, there is no benefit in increasing the dosage, it just won't make any difference. My heart sank.
Then came the slightly better news.....she explained to Mr A that I didn't want to have to wait months to try again (depending on periods etc etc). So he has said that if the scan on Friday shows that this treatment need cancelling then I must tell the nurse that he has said I should stay on the down regulating injections but stop stims, then in 2 or 3 weeks, I can start a higher dose of the stims again. Pheww, I had visions of it being August or later before I could go again.
He said that they like people to wait a while before starting again so they can process the loss, which is why I don't have to wait as I will have been stopped before I've really begun.
So I'm telling myself that even if its bad news on Fri then the cycle is just delayed rather than cancelled. In the meantime, I am trying to convince myself that the twinges I have been having since yesterday are the fattest follicles in the world.
Up and down
Thanks for all your comments today and yesterday - they really make me feel like people do care. I've had lots of support from family and friends too so that has helped.
I've been all over the place emotionally in the last 24 hrs. I have gone from oceans of tears to feeling ok to feeling empty all the space of a minute. It's such a strange place to be.
I said to my sister last night that I've got the the feeling you get when someone dies or when you split up with someone. Like all your focus has gone. I just can't face months of waiting for the next cycle, it will be so hard.
My other half suggested I call my consultant (Mr A) this morning as I hadn't heard anything from him. I got through to his secretary, who I have never spoken to before. I told her what I needed to know in terms of should I increase my dosage, then she started 'talking' to me. Like really talking about how I was feeling and how she understood because she had been through IVF before, and how she would do all she could to sort things out for me.
She was SO nice...well that set me off in floods of tears again and she just listened and asked questions for ages. She was not in any rush to get off the phone. She gave me her mobile number and her email and said I could call her anytime if I wanted to talk. She said if the worst came to the worst and we had to cancel treatment she would make room in his diary next week so we could talk things through with him. Seriously, I was astounded by all this. She has also emailed and text me today to see how I was, I feel lucky she is on my side.
So now I am waiting for her call to let me know if Mr A wants to increase my dose for a couple of days. Here's hoping.....
I've been all over the place emotionally in the last 24 hrs. I have gone from oceans of tears to feeling ok to feeling empty all the space of a minute. It's such a strange place to be.
I said to my sister last night that I've got the the feeling you get when someone dies or when you split up with someone. Like all your focus has gone. I just can't face months of waiting for the next cycle, it will be so hard.
My other half suggested I call my consultant (Mr A) this morning as I hadn't heard anything from him. I got through to his secretary, who I have never spoken to before. I told her what I needed to know in terms of should I increase my dosage, then she started 'talking' to me. Like really talking about how I was feeling and how she understood because she had been through IVF before, and how she would do all she could to sort things out for me.
She was SO nice...well that set me off in floods of tears again and she just listened and asked questions for ages. She was not in any rush to get off the phone. She gave me her mobile number and her email and said I could call her anytime if I wanted to talk. She said if the worst came to the worst and we had to cancel treatment she would make room in his diary next week so we could talk things through with him. Seriously, I was astounded by all this. She has also emailed and text me today to see how I was, I feel lucky she is on my side.
So now I am waiting for her call to let me know if Mr A wants to increase my dose for a couple of days. Here's hoping.....
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Not good....
Went for my day 8 of stims scan this morning. Not good news. I only have 5 tiny follicles (don't know the size) and some smaller ones which can't be measured.
I have to go back to the hospital on Friday - if the follicles haven't grown enough the cycle will be cancelled.
I have to go back to the hospital on Friday - if the follicles haven't grown enough the cycle will be cancelled.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
The lights are on but there's no one at home
So when I started my down regulation injections on April 3rd I was ready......ready for:
- the headaches
- the temper tantrums*
- the mood swings*
- the hot flushes*
- the tears*
- the be-atch from hell*
and what did I get......nothing, nada, zip, zilch. Well I do admit, I've had daily headaches.
It hasn't played on my mind at all, in fact, I think it's a good thing that I've been pretty 'normal' up to now. But what is playing on my mind is that its Day 2 of my stims and what do I feel? Yes, you guessed it....nothing, nada, zip, zilch.
At what point should the ovaries start to tinkle? When on earth should I notice SOMETHING happening?
I'm off to Google the words 'placebo' and 'IVF'.......
* well, no worse than normal
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
My man
I survived....the first stim injection was last night. After a lot of furrowed brows, shaking of heads and bottles, mixing powders and liquids, syringes doing things of their own accord, we eventually got through it. It took us 40 mins!!! I decided to inject in my leg to give my bruised tummy a break. It may have been beginners luck but it didn't hurt at all when I injected, just ached a little afterwards. When should I start to notice a reaction from the drugs? Anyway, one down, a few to go.
Thanks for all the comments. They got me thinking about my Other Half and what he is going through.....
We got together nearly 4 years ago now and the night we met I was not in the slightest bit interested in him romantically. That night, it felt safe to ask him questions about his life because the answer wouldn't affect me. So when I asked him if he wanted children and he said "No", it really didn't register with me. You see, without embarrassing him too much (because he will read this) he's read the book and got the t-shirt. He is a few years older than me and has two gorgeous daughters (24 & 20) from his first marriage.
Back to the story....
We already knew of each others names through work, so it was no surprise when he called me 2 days later to ask if I would like to go out for dinner. He was a 'Big Cheese' at work so the devil in me thought it would be an adventure to have just one dinner, I was single so there was nothing to lose.
I can honestly say that dinner date changed my life, I fell in love with him that night, and I was gobsmacked that I felt that way. The good news was the feeling was mutual.
The past 3 years or so have been tough at times, its not been all hearts and flowers and we have had more than our share of ups and downs. But something seem to click last year, we bought our first house together and on Christmas Day last year he proposed to me. How good is that? The wedding is next February....unless we have to postpone because of a fabulous excuse.
You may wonder how he went from not wanting anymore children to then being prepared to go through the stress of IVF. I guess only he can answer that, but I know he wouldn't be doing it it if wasn't for me. I mean that in a nice way, he is doing this because he loves me and he now wants this to work as much as I do.
So honey, before the madness takes over, and we forget where we have come from, I just want to say thank you.... thank you for doing this for 'us', and thank you for asking me to marry you. I love you MLL x
Thanks for all the comments. They got me thinking about my Other Half and what he is going through.....
We got together nearly 4 years ago now and the night we met I was not in the slightest bit interested in him romantically. That night, it felt safe to ask him questions about his life because the answer wouldn't affect me. So when I asked him if he wanted children and he said "No", it really didn't register with me. You see, without embarrassing him too much (because he will read this) he's read the book and got the t-shirt. He is a few years older than me and has two gorgeous daughters (24 & 20) from his first marriage.
Back to the story....
We already knew of each others names through work, so it was no surprise when he called me 2 days later to ask if I would like to go out for dinner. He was a 'Big Cheese' at work so the devil in me thought it would be an adventure to have just one dinner, I was single so there was nothing to lose.
I can honestly say that dinner date changed my life, I fell in love with him that night, and I was gobsmacked that I felt that way. The good news was the feeling was mutual.
The past 3 years or so have been tough at times, its not been all hearts and flowers and we have had more than our share of ups and downs. But something seem to click last year, we bought our first house together and on Christmas Day last year he proposed to me. How good is that? The wedding is next February....unless we have to postpone because of a fabulous excuse.
You may wonder how he went from not wanting anymore children to then being prepared to go through the stress of IVF. I guess only he can answer that, but I know he wouldn't be doing it it if wasn't for me. I mean that in a nice way, he is doing this because he loves me and he now wants this to work as much as I do.
So honey, before the madness takes over, and we forget where we have come from, I just want to say thank you.... thank you for doing this for 'us', and thank you for asking me to marry you. I love you MLL x
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Doc update
Thought I would update you on the thyroid episode and other things.
My doctor called yesterday and as I thought, my results have come back as 'dodgy'. She wanted to increase the dosage. I explained that I was in the middle of an IVF cycle so she thought it was a good idea to run it by my IVF consultant before we changed the medication.
My consultant is a really nice man and on a couple of previous occasions I have sent him a text to his mobile rather than calling. I am really not sure if this is ok but I figured that he wouldn't let me have his mobile number if he didn't want any contact that way.
So I sent him a text and bless him he responded straight away - and he was abroad...that made me feel a bit more guilty. He said that I should follow the advice of my doctor and increase the dosage if needed. So that's what I agreed to do with the doctor. I suppose I have to trust both of them and see what happens.
Its Day 1 of stimulating drugs later today, I got a bit of a stress head on when my Other Half (who has to stay away from home about once a month with work) told me that it would be May 1st......"Oh no, that's the first day of the magic juggling act with the new drugs". He came home last night and told me that he had arranged with his boss to make his excuses from the evening dinner so he could be at home with me. I obviously told him how much I loved him and gave him a great big hug.
The other thing on my mind....I am scared again.
In 13 days they could be doing egg retrieval, if all goes well. Do you know why I am scared? Because this whole cycle has taken 1 month up to now and the end is in sight. You may think I am mad but I am frightened of it all ending. I feel like I am in a protective bubble at the moment, that I can't feel pain because its all still in progress. I feel like I am edging towards that great big drop and I don't know whether the parachute will open when I jump.
You may say I could be closer to success but I can't think like that, so the scary monster is winning hairy hands down at the moment.
My doctor called yesterday and as I thought, my results have come back as 'dodgy'. She wanted to increase the dosage. I explained that I was in the middle of an IVF cycle so she thought it was a good idea to run it by my IVF consultant before we changed the medication.
My consultant is a really nice man and on a couple of previous occasions I have sent him a text to his mobile rather than calling. I am really not sure if this is ok but I figured that he wouldn't let me have his mobile number if he didn't want any contact that way.
So I sent him a text and bless him he responded straight away - and he was abroad...that made me feel a bit more guilty. He said that I should follow the advice of my doctor and increase the dosage if needed. So that's what I agreed to do with the doctor. I suppose I have to trust both of them and see what happens.
Its Day 1 of stimulating drugs later today, I got a bit of a stress head on when my Other Half (who has to stay away from home about once a month with work) told me that it would be May 1st......"Oh no, that's the first day of the magic juggling act with the new drugs". He came home last night and told me that he had arranged with his boss to make his excuses from the evening dinner so he could be at home with me. I obviously told him how much I loved him and gave him a great big hug.
The other thing on my mind....I am scared again.
In 13 days they could be doing egg retrieval, if all goes well. Do you know why I am scared? Because this whole cycle has taken 1 month up to now and the end is in sight. You may think I am mad but I am frightened of it all ending. I feel like I am in a protective bubble at the moment, that I can't feel pain because its all still in progress. I feel like I am edging towards that great big drop and I don't know whether the parachute will open when I jump.
You may say I could be closer to success but I can't think like that, so the scary monster is winning hairy hands down at the moment.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)