I'll never ask for anything ever again

Dear Santa,

I know I haven't written to you for many many years but I have a very special request that I am hoping you can help me with.

I am trying to be a Mum and I started my 3rd IVF attempt last night. I felt a little sad when I went to do the injections, I suppose a little battle weary would sum it up. This is much more difficult that I ever thought it would be and so I think I need a little magic from you.

I went to the hospital on Friday and they said my egg collection date would be around the 5th Dec, so it seems it will be over by the 20th Dec.

Do you think you and Rudolph could drop by a few days early and give me the best Christmas present ever?

I realise this is a lot to ask as you are a busy man but I really hope you can help me make it 3rd time lucky.

Lots of love

Becks (aged 35 years 9 months)

Winners and losers

Had a good weekend all in all. We went out with some close friends to the dog races on Saturday night, us girls did feel sorry for the poor things, but we had a good time picking the one's with the cute names and our favourite colours. I got the knack of it and backed 4 winners, but alas still came home with lighter pockets than when I went out.

I also went out running twice, which I really enjoyed...its a shame that I have to give up soon, as I can slowly see myself improving.

We did some shopping yesterday, the plan was to get my other half some new shoes for the wedding, which we achieved with relative ease. We made use of the extra free time and bought a couple of Christmas presents.

I decided to go into one of the large out of town mother and baby stores to get my godson a present. Places like this don't normally bother me, I just try to get in and out with minimal fuss. It seemed it slipped the store managers mind to clear the place of people for me, in fact I think they made sure it was absolutely heaving. I couldn't concentrate on what I was looking for....the noise from children and babies was very distracting. By the time I had chosen him a very cool gift, I was relieved to be getting in the queue to pay....except they like to prolong my agony....the queue was massive. The waiting was torture, everywhere I looked there were swollen bellies and tiny babies in carriers, it took all my effort to blink away the tears. The couple in front of me were buying a job lot....baby bath, nappies, food, changing mat, equipment for rock climbing (or so it seemed).

At last I made it to the front to pay, I felt a weight had been lifted...any time now I could get out. The assistant scanned my purchases, then smiled at me and said "could I possibly interest you in a store account?" I nearly ripped her limb from limb, instead I politely declined and staggered outside with an insane grin on my face.

There's a lot to be said for internet shopping!

About time....

......I posted an update.

Things have been really hectic, mainly with the weddings plans, my sister and I are wondering what on earth we'll do when it is over. I am itching to share some of the details with you, but too many people who will be there on the day read this, so I'll just have to promise to bore you with the photos afterwards.

I've also been doing a bit of exercise, I've been running for the last couple of weeks. I got stuck in the downward spiral of wanting to lose weight for the wedding but knowing I shouldn't really exercise because of trying to have a baby. Well, I decided that I wasn't going to have everything denied so I got my trainers on and hit the road. I've really enjoyed it, and the feeling of being back in control certainly helps. I will stop exercising when IVF # 3 comes around.

Talking of IVF #3......we're ready to go again. We decided to try again before Christmas, then if it doesn't work we'll wait till after the honeymoon. So, I start down regulating on October 29th...it has come round really quickly. Starting again fills me with dread, I hit a massive low after the last failure and it took me a while to get back to my old self and it scares me to think I might have to go there again. Still, no pain, no gain...but please let the gain come sometime.

I had a stressful incident at work last week. One of my colleagues said she had some gossip for me, then later showed me her blackberry which had a email announcing that one of our colleagues wives was pregnant. What's wrong with that you might say? Well she knew we had a failed IVF and it just felt insensitive. After a moan about it to my other half, I put it out of my mind as I thought that it was just clumsy. When I arrived in work the next day, she had forwarded the email to everyone, including me, she named it 'Nappy News'. Did she think I would have forgotten about it overnight? I was mad, so I sent her a (what I think was a subtle) response saying "If only it was that easy". I thought it might just remind her of what I had been through. What did I get back? Nothing. Well at least I felt better for saying something.

We're also going on holiday in 3 weeks, we're going to a spanish island for a 2 week break. The 2nd week, my other half's family are joining us, so I am really excited about that. I am just looking forward to a bit of sun (as it hasn't been sunny in England for 345 years...well it seems like it!) and a nice rest. It'll make the down regulating fly by as I'll probably start stims the day I come back.

I think that's about it for now, I am still around, reading from the sidelines, I'll be back in full flow soon to share the ups and downs of 3rd time lucky.

P.S can't believe its 6 months tomorrow since I had a cup of coffee!! oops got that wrong....its not 6 months just yet!