When is ‘enough’?

From what I have read from others blogs, it’s a pretty natural reaction to reject all things related to infertility if a cycle fails. That certainly happened to me when IVF/ICSI #1 failed, I didn’t want to read anything related to infertility and that stretched into the feeling that I needed to distance myself from my blog for a while.

Just before #1 failed I had started to read a book called ‘Making Babies The Hard Way by Caroline Gallup. It tells the real life story of a couple who meet well into their 30’s and decide they want to start a family. I got through about a third of the book before I just ‘lost interest’ after our failure.

I started reading it again the other day and in fact finished it this morning and the ending to the book started me thinking (if you want to or intend to read the book don’t carry on reading as I don’t want to spoil it for you).

The couple discovered that the man had azoospermia, so moved onto donor sperm. With the donor sperm they tried a total of 3 IUI’s (tablets and then injections) and they didn’t manage to get pregnant. They were toying with the idea of IVF but decided enough was enough…..and it was this part that fascinated me.

When is ‘enough’?

In a way I was wishing that she would try just one IVF, but then I realised that she had already pushed the boundaries of where she wanted to be, she never wanted to inject, yet she ended up trying it.

I guess it made me realise that everyone’s final boundaries are different and in a way it makes me envious that she knew where to draw the line. I know I would do anything (medical wise) to try to have a baby and therefore how will I know where my boundaries are? Will I find it difficult to say ‘enough is enough’?

The last paragraph in the book really hit home, it says:

“At some point, you have to decide how much is enough for you. Will you continue until you have a baby, or will you stop, re-assess, look inside each other’s souls and give each other permission to call it a day? Do as much as you want to, while you have the time. Might the right choice for you. Make it together and make it with love.”

I can only guess you just know in your heart when it’s time to move on.

Birthdays and thoughts

Ok, now I need to tap into your vast knowledge of follicle growth/egg production. Have a look at my follicle sizes from my Day 8 scan below and tell me how many eggs you think I might be looking at when I (hopefully) go for collection next week?

Now, I know you are not all professionally qualified (well at least not on paper anyway) but I was just wondering if you might be able to have a guess. Oh and lets presume each follicle produces an egg to make it simpler. I think I am mainly trying to figure if the smaller follicles have enough time to grow before retrieval. I am guessing not, but I wanted a second opinion.

Anyway, its Friday and its also my Other Half's birthday today. So I am taking him out for dinner to a new restaurant in the village where we live. Thankfully, we can enjoy it knowing we are (as far as we know) on track.


Have a fabulous weekend everyone and I'll update you on Sunday with the results of the Day 12 scan.

Smiling

Thanks for all the wishes you made...they worked.....I am on track!!!!

Last time, on my Day 8 scan, I had 5 tiny follicles that couldn't be measured. This time, I've got the following:

R - 11 x 8
R - 13 x 8
R - 6
R - 7
L - 9 x 8
L - 11 x 9
L - 11 x 9
L - 12 x 11
L - 11 x 10
L - 5
L - 7

I guess the smaller one's may not get to the right size, but 7 measurable one's is a much better response than last time. My lining is 5mm, which they measure in half measures so at 10mm it is good (so nurse Gill told me).

I am so relieved, I know this may not mean it will work but to improve gives me hope for the future. I go back for my Day 12 scan on Sunday and if all is on track I will trigger Sunday for collection on Tuesday.

So this time, no 15 days of stims, no tears after Day 8, no more expensive drugs to buy to get me through extra days, no more extra acupuncture to pay for. Happy...that's me.

Oh, just want to say Happy Birthday to Ultimate Journey....your next one will be as a Mum!!

Apprehension

Things I am unlikely to hear at my first stim scan on Wednesday:

• Blimey......I think you are overstimulating!
• Wow, you have twice as many follicles as last time
• You're looking like you'll get 10 eggs instead of the measly 4 you got on IVF#1
• Fantastic, you are right on track, see you on Sunday for your day 12 scan

I am not feeling much in the way of ovary response to the drugs, I think it was day 8 last time when I felt the first twinge (today is day 6). I have felt little twinges but they have been so slight that it really could just be my mind playing tricks on me.

I am dreading the scan. I keep looking at my work diary and wondering if I will be an absolute mess when I have meetings on Thursday and Friday. I think about the weekend and wonder if I will be happy or not. It's my Other Half's birthday on Friday, and I would love us to be really pleased with the way things are going.

I just want to have a better response than last time. I would just be so pleased with 2 embryos to transfer....make a wish for me.

Eye boggling

Geez louise.......all this for one days injections!!

The lengths you will go to, to try to be a mum!*!

Had my second acu appointment yesterday. I felt so silly with a needle between my eyes. Anyway, she was attempting to stimulate my follicles, using needles and something called a Moxa stick, which is used to stimulate acupuncture points. It's like a black cigar which you light and then it turns into a glow. I have brought some home, so I will have a go at waving that around my bits tonight. Knowing me I'll set my pants on fire!

Oh, and I can't believe it's been over 3 months since I had a cup of coffee. It's been ok really, the hardest part was at the beginning, but I find I don't even think about it now....but don't you worry, if I ever have a baby or just decide to give up trying, I'll be straight down to Starbucks for the biggest latte they make!!

It's the start of the football season in the UK tomorrow, I am so excited. So I intend to take it easy and watch hours of games - we can't wait.

Have a good weekend everyone....

Over the first hurdle

It was my baseline scan today. I had nurse 'Whirlwind Gill' again but for a change she had lots of time to talk to me. We talked about my failed first cycle and what might be different this time.....fingers crossed.

Anyway the scan was fine. My lining was thin and my ovaries were fine. She said that the clinic was starting to look at antral follicle counts and she said she could see them on each ovary, I am a bit naive in this area so I didn't ask her how many. Plus she suggested that it new to them so I didn't push it.

So tonight I start stims...maximum dose of Menopur....whaheyy, go big guns! Day 8 scan next Wednesday, which makes my stomach turn at the thought of it. The day 8 scan was where it went horribly wrong last time. My poor response could have been a one-off but if it repeats again we have ourselves a pattern girls, which is not good news for my long term chance of having a baby, so lets just say I am hoping things will be much better this time.

Tomorrow is my second acupuncture appointment. The first one went really well and I walked out of the place feeling like I was walking on air. Tomorrow she is going to try to make my lazy ovaries behave and do some hard work for a change.

Wish me luck!!

Late night antics

I have a few rituals with my cat, Millie, one of which is the bedtime routine.

She will hear the tv being turned off and will come bounding down the stairs to remind me that I need to get her bedtime treat......3 biscuits. We then go upstairs, she always has to beat me, she jumps on our bed and meows for her treats.

So there we were last night, you know how it goes....tv went off, she came in, I got the biscuits, and off we went. She was on the bed before I knew it and was pawing my hand eagerly. I reached in my pocket for the treats and she greedily snatched the first one.

She always gobbles them down, seeming never to take a breath, but last night she took the first one and jumped off the bed, to eat it at a slower pace. I looked down at her, wondering what she was doing and at the same time I looked down in my hand to see, in the dim light of the room, I still had 3 treats!!!

So guess what I had given my gorgeous cat as a bedtime treat?.......the plastic cap that you take off the down reg drugs when you open the bottle!

See.....IVF touches all members of the family!!


P.S she wasn't impressed!